Thailand

Bangkok

: The Baiyoke Tower in Bangkok with the huge BMW ad across it. This was the last thing I’d noticed before realizing that our stoned-ass fuckin’ cab driver who lied to us about knowing our destination had fallen asleep at the wheel – real piece of work, that guy.

: The Bangkok version of barbed wire – jagged hunks of glass embedded atop a cement wall – along the Chao Phraya riverfront

: View from the back of a Bangkok riverbus while making our way around the city. These things don’t exactly come to a complete stop when you’re trying to get in and I clumsily bulldozed a handful of tiny Thai people trying to hop in this fucker without falling in the filthy water below

: Super gay pizza ad at the river bus stop somewhere in The Kok

: Built in 1782, The Grand Palace has served as the home to many of the past Kings of Siam – Yul Brenner not included

: Little fat motherfucker chompin’ on some gold shit

: Tight butthole

: My man carries a big stick, c’mon!

: Brutha and sista in their rented rags that comply with the King of Siam’s dresscode at The Grand Palace

: A giant Hershey’s kiss at the Grand Palace – constructed in honor of his preference for Hershey’s brand chocolate while trick-or-treating in Bangkok

: Brilliant advice from the public relations division of the royal household

: Place where the Thai version of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse is filmed…I think

: Tim #1 & Tim #2 lookin’ good with them nipple-high sweatpants and my MILF-hunter goatee

: Lovely building with golden doors accentuated by a Prince-colored purple

: Witchyo Willy Wonka lookin’ ass

: Shimmering and glimmering in the light of the sun

: Peering at the mystery within

: “Super Pussy” says it all about Patpong. Anything you could ever imagine being stuck in or shot out of a human vagina – you can see it done in this part of town

: Assumption University – the Catholic college where my buddy “Teacha Brian” taught Thai kids how to speak Englsh and subsequently embarrased them by videotaping their singing of Christmas carols and “Happy Birthday”

: Some outdoor garden bar in Bangkok where I discovered the only thing that could stop diarrhea from further blasting out my ass was drinking beer, thus reinforcing the assertion that alcohol is the cause and solution to all of life’s problems

: The American rice platter. The flowered hot dogs and dried-out pigeon egg were a nice touch

: “Do not smoke in a room or a calcony”

: Bangkok street art

: The Democracy Monument

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: Statue at Suvarnabhumi Airport

: Same thing closer up

Damnoen Saduak

: Scenes from the floating market of Damnoen Saduak

: Woman paddling along on her mobile fruit stand

: The women at the market wear the funniest hats to protect them from the sun

: Call me racist, but this lady and the one in the next picture look extremely similar

: Yes, no, maybe?

: Grillz

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: Knockoff purses for sale

: Bananas for sale

: Busy, busy, busy

Kanchanaburi

: Kanchanaburi – Home of the bridge on the River Kwai

: Sweet semi I saw on the way to the bridge

: The Bridge on the River Kwai. In 1942, Kanchanaburi was under Japanese control. Here they made Asian forced laborers and WWII Allied POWs who’d been working on the Burma Railway build a bridge.

: Almost half of the prisoners working on the project died from disease, maltreatment and accidents. Appropriately, the Burma Railway went by the nickname of “The Death Railway”

: Dude attempting to do a Tom Cruise Mission Impossible drop-in

: View from the bridge

: Ditto

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: A house in transit

: Wax figurine recreations of the Japanese putting some POWs to work

: Humpin’ logs

: “The Japanese Army used railway wagons as ‘prisons’ for holding POW’s during World War II in Kanchanaburi.”

: Guns inside the JEATH War Museum

: The Bridge as it appeared around the time of construction

: “In this glass monument, the remains of 104 of the prisoners, who worked as laborers during World War II, are kept on the second level and the remains of another 2 of them are kept on the 3rd level making a totel of 106.”

: Dead dude

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: “THE PHENOMENON OF WAR BRINGS ADVERSE EFFECTS TO SOCIETY”

: Whoever was in charge of writing the English captions under each photograph really fucked this one up. I’m not sure exactly which Nazi son of a bitch this guy is, but I’m certain the caption “Martin Luther the preacher who set up a new sect called the Protestant did not respect the Pope” does not fit this guy’s M.O.

: “I’m going off the rails on a crazy train”

: “During World War II, the Japanese used this train for the transportation of ammunitions to expand the fight into India & Burma”

: Not sure why they threw a car on top of the train

: View from the top of the museum

: Statue outside the museum

: Don’t fuck with these guys – “THAI SOLDIER LOVE A COUNTRY MORE THAN LIFE”

: Don’t know why they decided to make some of the heroic Thai soldiers turquoise

: Inside the museum there was plenty of art detailing Thailand’s history…

: Proud leaders

: Former Miss Thailand winners

: This guy

: Proud warriors defending their country

: Dudes on the right tenderly feeling on each other’s chests in the heat of battle

: Fuckin’ dude sniffin’ another guy’s ass

: You gonna kill that guy or try to have sex with him?

: That’s not real wrastling!!!

: Fighting or fucking?

: Teasing with his sword

: Yeah, show me some titties

: They gettin’ it on

Sai Yok District (Kanchanaburi Province)

: Billboard at Wat Pha Luang Ta Bua – commonly known in English as Tiger Temple: “Dangerous but kindly, Generosity you can touch.”

: Monk bottle-feeding a full-grown tiger

: Badass

: Here at this Buddhist monastery in Western Thailand, they drug up tigers so white people can take pictures with them

: They got all tired and shit after our hot 3-way interspecies orgy

: Gotsta lick the pussy

: No visit to the tiger temple would be complete without throwing down some mad SUCK IT action

: Check out the bizarre dick on this animal wandering through the temple

Koh Samui/Koh Phangan

: On the plane, I met a girl who told me to meet her at this bar, the Green Mango. I went there and she didn’t. Just so the evening wasn’t a complete bust, I decided to have a couple drinks to check out the scene…

: …As per usual, 2 drinks quickly turned into 20 – next thing you know I was stealing signs from bar prostitutes and running up and down the block screaming like the mad man I am. Last thing I remember was stealing a prostitute’s hat while dancing to Shakira, slugging a bunch of random, unattended drinks off the bar then running out of the place until…

: “I so alone ’til I met you…” said this 34-year-old Thai woman. Blacked out on Koh Samui and woke up with her in my bed. Surprisingly, she wasn’t a prostitute, bought me breakfast and even paid for the cab to her oceanside suite where we kicked it all day before ditching her when she asked for my hand in marriage. Good time.

: View from the mother of my slant-eyed, flaming red-haired child’s oceanside room on Koh Samui – not too shabby

: Same shot taken through my old man’s Blublockers from the ’80s

: Wish all terrorists would swag it out in one of these shirts so I know exactly who to kick in the balls, but I guess that’d just make life too simple

: Sober. My man saying goodbye to some trick who he whooped in pool all night just before we hopped on motorbike cabs and were followed home by a wild pack of ladyboys-on-scooter who wanted us to pay them for transexual sex as the sun began to rise

: Here’s a little visual of the aforementioned motorbike cab home. Osh rides dirty – my man feels no need to hold on to anything while sitting shitfacedly unsecured on a speeding two-wheeler

: Risky business

: Getting lost in the sloppy breakfast I couldn’t stomach after fifteen hours of straight drinking

: Direct and immediate result of the foul mess in the previous picture – look rather similar, dontcha think?

: Sand sculpture of some hot-ass broad at Koh Phangan’s Full Moon Party. Some other activities on the beach that night included fire-juggling and an on-going game of flaming jump rope in which amateurs were encouraged to join. I had photos of both, but the incompetent ‘tards at Walgreen’s failed to develop those for me which I’m less than pleased about.

: Just a bunch of white people gettin’ fucked up – what else is new?

: One of many who couldn’t take the heat, but stands ready with a lighter at his side for spontaneous blunt action nonetheless. I still regret not getting back into college mode and urinating on the crotch of this guy’s pants as he snoozed then waking him up to inform him that he pissed himself…(sigh)…shoulda, woulda, coulda.

: Our serendipitous return to Penzy Guesthouse following a three-part separation caused by a most unfortunate (I didn’t want to do it but my hand moved involuntarily – acted on it’s own) ass-grabbing and resulting hunt led by a posse of angry jacked dudes. We all made it back to the guesthouse at the exact same time despite taking separate boats and taxis to Koh Samui from Phangan where the incident had occurred.

Chiang Mai

: Some of the temples around Chiang Mai…

: Worth its weight in gold

: Great white dragon

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: Wagon wheel

: Giggling monks

: Welcome

: Assload of Buddhas

: To me, it’s just not a Buddhist temple without murals of random violence or…

: …green or blue guys doing bizarre shit.

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: Pick-up truck full of durians – the stinkiest fruit in the world

: Street art

: Oldie

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: The King is everywhere

: Satellite television on a temple

: Giant streetside bunny rabbit

: Mural of flying paper lanterns on the annual Thai holiday known as Loi Krathong

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: Wise old man

: “Chang” is Thai for elephant

: Guess they didn’t have enough real rats around Chaing Mai and needed some statues of them on top of the current population

: Monster billboard of Thailand’s beloved king

: A midget fighting a normal sized guy in a Muay Thai match

: Pretty funny to watch

: Don’t know if this shit was fixed or not, but the midget ended up winning