Japan

Tokyo

: Indoor market street by of hostel off the Minowa metro stop

: Tootsie Roll owl street art

: Shibuya District in Tokyo

: Tokyo sets the bar on what is considered modern

: Crazy-ass sculpture

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: Street near Shibuya

: Tokyo peeps

: Check out my man

: Huge buildingside ad for BOSS coffee featuring Tommy Lee Jones. The fuckin’ guy is everywhere in Tokyo.

: Hilarious roadside memorial for a dog that I can only presume got smooshed by a car – “REX 2004.05.15 ~ 2012.09.01”

: Torii Gates in Ueno Park

: Temple in Ueno park

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: Empty kegs of sake

: Wasted

: Buildingside in the Akihabara neighborhood of Tokyo

: Street in the Akihabara neighborhood where all the latest electronics and gadgets are on sale

: Saw some fuckin’ hentai art on the outside of a building and had to check out what was on the inside.

: Dick-nosed glasses

: Bizarre double picture-in-picture porn in which the ladies didn’t seem to be enjoying themselves very much

: A porn floor – each tile of this floor had been made of a different “upskirt” shot

: Japs are perverted

: A rubber ass presumably made in the likeness of the chick on the box

: All I felt like doing after visiting that Akihabara porn shop was getting stuffed – so I did just that. Thanks, colonel.

: Walking cigarettes banned

: Is that somebody’s house?

: Lotus Pond

: Statue near Lotus Pond

: Arm wrestling competition we stumbled upon at some college campus

: Huge astronaut sculpture

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: Senor Frog

: The Tokyo Toden. The Toden Arakawa line is the last remaining tram in service. All the others have been shut down in favor of high-tech, high-speed subway lines.

: An entire building side dedicated to an advertisement for some anime shit called “Bleach”

: I do all my shopping at “NUDY BOY”

: “Because I am hot, please be careful” – I use that pick-up line all the time.

: Sumo statue in front of Ryogoku Kokugikan sumo wrestling stadium

: Flags in front of Ryogoku Sumo Hall

: Just another day at the office for this guy who showed up to the stadium in a luxurious stretch limo

: Mural on the outside of the stadium

: These fatties are givin’ me a chubby

: Ryogoku Kokugikan was opened in 1985 and can hold 13,000 screaming sumo fans. Pictured is a “dohyo” or ring that is made of a specific clay and spread with sand. A new “dohyo” is built before each tournament.

: The crowds beginning to pour in for the annual September tournament

: Ring-entering ceremony

: Same deal. Here the wrestlers are wearing heavily-decorated loincloths called “kesho-mawashi”s. These garments are very expensive and are usually paid for by the wrestler’s organization of supporters or a commercial sponsor.

: Same deal, different division

: Dohyo-iri performance. If I was gay and had a fat guy fetish I’d definitely have been masturbating at this event.

: The thongs that sumo wrestlers wear are known as “mawashi” and on the front of the “mawashi” are groupings of “sagari” or strings that are inserted into the front of the man thong for competition. As is the case for these fellows, the “sagari” of higher-ranked wrestlers are treated with a seaweed based glue that make them stiff and more like sticks than strings. Oh, and also, here is this wrestler taking a shit in the ring.

: Couple bros gettin’ it on with really stiff “sagaris”

: Sumos performing a “shiko.” A “shiko” exercise is when each leg is lifted as high and as straight as possible by the wrestler then stomped down to the ground with force. In training this move may be repeated hundreds of times in a row and is also performed ritually before each bout to drive away demons.

: “Shikiri” (literally “toeing the mark) is the preparation period before a bout during which the wrestlers squat repeatedly and, among other tactics employed to try to gain a psychological advantage, intensely stare each other down.

: Unfortunately, the “shikiri” period may take what seems like forever. Each time you think the wrestlers are finally gonna fight, one guy stands up and walks away as part of his attempt to psych the other guy out.

: During these constant interruptions, the wrestlers would walk to the side of the ring, perform a ritual salt scattering around the ring, take a sip of water, wipe himself off with a rag and repeat ad nauseum.

: Whereas the building excitement of the “shikiri” had the Japanese shitting bricks and cheering their asses off with every handful of salt tossed around the ring, the fifteen minute lulls in actions had my man T. Osh fallin’ asleep at the wheel.

: Eventually, however, they do get around to fighting and once they do, it’s pretty cool for the ten seconds that each fight lasts.

: I loved hearing the fat slap from thirty rows up when the two monsters would collide.

: In sumo, you can win by either forcing your opponent to touch the ring with any part of his body other than his feet or…

: …by tossing his ass out of the ring. When purchasing tickets online, I looked at how much the front row seats costed and when I did, I noticed they came with a warning saying the ticket company could not be held liable for sprectators being crushed by flying elephants thundering down onto them from the elevated ring. That’d be a hell of a way to die though.

: Here is a “mono-ii” which is a discussion held by the “shimpan” (ringside judges) when the “gyoji’s” (ref’s) decision for a bout is called into question.

: These guys weren’t wresters and I can’t read Japanese, but if I had to guess, I think this was some sort of advertising technique in between matches.

: “Yumitori-shiki” – The bow-twirling ceremony performed at the end of each tournament day by a designated wrestler known as the “yumitori”

Mt. Fuji

: Near the base of Mt. Fuji. Unfortunately, due to our lack of preparation and research, getting to Mt. Fuji had taken a lot longer than originally expected which left us with an afternoon time-frame not quite large enough to climb Fuji-san.

: Roof statue at the information center

: We ended up calling an audible and went to spend the day hanging out at a nearby lake.

: Although I maintain that climbing Fuji had been preferable, the lake actually turned out to be pretty nice. Take note of the swan pedal boats docked near the shore down there at the bottom of the photo.

: Two dudes renting one of these things in which to spend a romantic day at the lake might seem pretty gay…

: …unless the two dudes on the boat are bros getting fucked up on whiskey. That makes it considerably less gay.

: Even if we didn’t get to scale Fuji-san, we still got to see the beast. Total respect.

Kyoto

: The Kyoto Tower backed by an ominous sky

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: Dude juggling fire at a popular outdoor hangout area along what I believe was the Kamo River

: Onlookers grimacing and covering their faces as the juggler goes to deepthroat a fireball

: Statues along the river

: Sushi boy

: Bong in his right hand

: As per usual, we ended up at a bar and there we met this kid on the left named Drew who one day plans to buy a machine that makes Little Debbie snack wrappers to envelop his drugs before smuggling them on international flights. This dude was so wasted that we convinced him to let a Japanese girl slap him across the face over and over til his cheeks were beat red.

: What did the five fingers say to the face?

: SLAP!

: This 20-something-year-old Japanese girl told me non-jokingly that she was in love with Mickey Mouse. She had a cell phone full of pictures of her hanging out at Tokyo Disneyland to prove it.

: So, unless I put a Mickey Mouse suit on to bang the girl in the picture previous, I wasn’t gonna get any action unless I sleep-creep banged that Drew kid’s ear once he passed out at the bar. His ear must’ve been unclean because the next day, I woke up with…

: …a “painful wiener.” Needless to say, that’s not what I ordered from this menu.

: Street in Kyoto by the light of day

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: The Gion District, Kyoto

: Kenninji Temple near Gion

: Founded in 1202, Kenninji is the oldest Zen Buddhist temple in Kyoto

: Temple interior

: Abnormally small ruby slippers they make you change into at the temple entrance. “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…”

: Art on the paper-ish, sliding door walls

: Painting of Raijin on the temple wall. In the Shinto religion and in Japanese mythology Raijan is the god of lighting, thunder and storms.

: Fujin is the Japanese god of winds and is often depicted as a redheaded black humanoid.

: Old man chillin’

: Dragon Ball Z

: Geishas, geiko or geigi as they are known are traditional female entertainers whose skills usually include classical music, dance and games.

: Geisha throwing up the “V sign” which seemed to be the most popular pose for pictures in Asia.

: Nijo Castle

: The grounds of Nijo Castle cover 275,000 square meters

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: Entrance to Ninomaru Palace inside Nijo Castle

: Closer view of this architectural splendor

: A look into the gardens around the castle

: Baby chode palm trees

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: “Larry David, an asshole and swan killer”

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: Japanese garden

: “No scribbling here” – You know, I have no idea what this could possibly mean.

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: Inner-walls and moat of Nijo Castle

: Art around the castle

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: Entering Ninomaru Palace

: Fancy ceiling and walls of the palace’s interior

: One of the rooms inside Ninomaru Palace

: Random fact – a lot of Japanese girls I saw walking on the streets did so in an awkward-looking, knees together, pigeon-toed manner that I can only guess was a trait they’d assumed to feed their obsession with “looking cute.”

: On every block in Japan are outdoor vending machines that sell everything from smokes to Tropicana pineapple juice. Hands down, my favorite treat and 3-time-day habit it this country was buttchugging vending machine chocolate milks while walking from point of interest to point of interest.

: Part of a roof on the grounds of Rokuon-ji or “Deer Garden Temple,” home of Kinkaku-ji – “Temple of the Golden Pavilion”

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: Kinkaku-ji – Temple of the Golden Pavilion

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: Art from around the “Deer Garden Temple”

: Mafuckin’ monster

: Enlightenment

: Pond surrounding the Golden Pavilion

: Statues surrounded by lucky coins tossed

: Ryoan-ji – “Temple of the Dragon at Peace”

: Da Buddha

: Ryoan-ji is known for its “kare-sansui” or Japanese rock garden which was thought to have been built in the late 15th century

: No offense to Japanese culture or homosexuals, but I thought the rock garden was kinda gay. Maybe I’m not spiritual enough to appreciate it.

: Temple bell at Ryoan-ji

: Stupa

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: Night out in Kyoto part deux. I guess I can’t think of a place safer to store your bike from being stolen than dangling out your bedroom window from a cable.

: Gettin’ hammered at an Irish pub. The old businessman in the back is a fuckin’ party animal. See the next few pictures for details…

: No English was spoken but the man just kept shouting while dancing and howling like a wolf.

: My man is cuttin’ loose after a tough week in Japan’s strict working environment.

: Gettin’ down to some jamz

: So after this, we ended up sitting at a table with this dude and some other Japanese people. Continue scrolling down for the story behind this evening…

: As was the case the night before with that Drew kid, I though I’d punk this Japanese business guy with the fingers through the fly dick trick.

: It went according to plan. I definitely surprised him, he initially recoiled and fell back in the booth on which he was sitting…

: …and it was good for a group laugh. But then he caught me by surprise when…

: …when he sat back up, started diving at my crotch…

: …and then gave my fingers a through-the-fly BJ in front of all his peers. Talk about losing face. At the same time, I maintain that there’s nothin’ gay about gettin’ your D S’d.

: As my buddy Tim Osh and I drunkenly laughed our asses off, the woman my fellator was with began slapping him repeatedly over there on the left. Good times.

Osaka

: That’s Osaka for ya

: One of Osaka’s newer constructions

: Osaka Castle

: Osaka Castle is one of Japan’s most famous castles that played a major role in the unification of Japan during the 16th century.

: The castle up close

: Tourists posing for a picture in traditional Japanese wear

: Statue in the park area surrounding the Central Tower of Osaka Castle

: In the park there’d been some sort of big group dance-off competition

: Pretty good…

: …but not as good as the prisoners in Cebu who do group renditions of Thriller in the jailyard. Those rapists and murderers know how to dance.

: So “cute.” I like things to be cute. Everything must be cute in Japan.

: “Interracial SUCK IT Disaster: One man’s attempt to unite the world D-Generation X style gone horribly wrong.” Take it from a guy who knows, chicks from Japan and dudes from Uganda have no idea how to throw down a decent or even recognizable SUCK IT. Their form is so bad, it’s compromising the quality of my SUCK IT.

Kobe

: My “room” for a night at a capsule hotel stacked just above the room of my buddy T. Osh

: View of the tv from my capsule bed. This happened to be the first time I slept in a “room” by myself for about three weeks so I took advantage of it. Pictured is the hand I used to pleasure myself to a Japanese newswoman on the tv.

: Kobe, bitchez! N I ain’t talkin’ about the L.A. Laker and alleged rapist

: Kobe as seen on our way to a sake brewery

: I was so hungover, I almost shit my pants at least five different times walking down this never-ending road, looking for this elusive sake factory.

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: Barrels of sake

: Bench on which the drunk and/or elderly can rest while doing brewery tours

: In Kobe, at night it is recommended to take a cable car up to the top of Mt. Rokko from Rokko Cable Shita station for an unparalleled view of the city. Unfortunately, on nights as foggy as this, we couldn’t see shit.

: At least they had nice sidewalks at the top of Mt. Rokko…

: …and I got to see the disparity between this guy’s left and right shoes. The guy’s left leg must’ve been three inches shorter than his right to require a boot that monstrous.

Hiroshima

: The Hiroshima Peace Memorial, or the Atomic Bomb Dome, serves as a memorial to the people who were killed (70,000 immediately & an additional 70,000 from the radiation) by the A-Bomb dropped by the US on August 6, 1945.

: River view of the A-Bomb Dome – formerly the Hiroshima Prefectural Industrial Promotion Hall

: “HOTEL HIGH UP”

: The Fountain of Prayer at Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park

: Flag of Japan

: Park art

: The Memorial Cenotaph. This wild-west-1800s-wagon-covering-shaped memorial is inscribed with the names of all the victims and the epitaph, “please rest in peace, for we (all of humanity) shall not repeat the error (evil of war).” If you stand near and look through the cenotaph, the structure frames The Peace Flame and The A-Bomb Dome.

: The Children’s Peace Monument is just what its name suggests – a monument for peace to commemorate Sadako Sasaki and the thousands of other children that fell victim to the A-Bomb.

: At the top of the Children’s Peace Monument is Sadako holding a paper crane. No, it’s not Jesus on the cross. Sadako was a 12-year-old girl who died from radiation-induced leukemia after folding just under a thousand paper cranes in 1955. Japanese tradition tells that anyone who folds a thousand paper cranes will be granted a wish. This monument serves as a symbol of the innocent victims of war.

: Memorial Tower to the Mobilized Students

: Some bas relief at the peace park

: Modern day Hiroshima

: The Hiroshima Toyo Carp are a professional baseball team in Japan’s Central League

: Monster mascot up in the bleachers. The Carp are partly owned by the City of Hiroshima and partly by Toyo, a car manufacturing company.

: Japanese beer girl. As opposed to the dudes in the states walking around with a large bulky apparatus full of cans, the girls in Japan carry a stack of cups and wear backpacks full of beer with a hose and tap attached to facilitate distribution.

: “Hey batta batta batta batta sa-wing batt-ah…He can’t hit, he can’t hit, he can’t hit, he can’t hit sa-wing batt-ah!!!”

: In the right field bleachers (which I’m pretty sure is the typical place for home team fans to fill) were Hiroshima’s fans. With all the intense stomping and flag waving that go on, ballgames in Japan seem way more reminiscent of a college football game than any baseball game I’ve been to in the states.

: Although the Carp’s baseball didn’t seem as high quality as that of any MLB squadron, the fans had way more heart than yuppie pussies dressed like dildos who talk on their phones the entire time at Cubs games. However, I didn’t hear any “you suck”s screamed while in Hiroshima which kinda made me homesick.

: People running on treadmills out in right-center

: The opposite team’s fans take up the majority of the left-field bleachers. From what I could tell, it’s customary to cheer for your team only when they are batting. So, it’s kind of like they take turns yelling, dancing and waving stupid shit in the air and keep their mouths shut when their team is in the field.

: We sat in center field, but one of the visiting Tokyo Yakult Sawllows’ fans strayed from the pack in left and cheered by himself down in the front row. Swallows fans are known for dancing around with mini-umbrellas when their team is doing well on offense to piss off the opposing pitcher by suggesting that it’s time for him to hit the showers.

: That ain’t no Carp!

: Outrageous sing and dance along on the centerfield jumbotron with a blue, Philly Phanatic ripoff leading the cheers

: Japanese culture is way too funny

Miyajima

: Miyajima is located just off the coast of Hiroshima and has been considered a holy place for most of Japanese history.

: A floating torii gate just off the coast of the island

: There were plenty of deer on the island that initially seemed friendly but…

: …it turned out they had ulterior, pocket-snatching motives.

: Hilariously enough, the deer on the island eat maps and aren’t afraid to steal them from tourists.

: Large-ass torii gate

: In the distance there is Itsukushima Shrine

: Sights on the way to Itsukushima Shrine

: The current Itsukushima Shrine was built in the 16th century on stilts in the water instead of on the land to give the illusion that it is floating during high tide and supposedly so commoners could visit without defiling the island with their footprints

: Inside the Shinto shrine

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: The torii gate as it appears from inside the shrine

: Another classy one

: Almsgiving inside the shrine

: Bridge near the shrine’s exit

: One last look from the inside

: Street of Miyajima

: Miyajima womenz

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: Mr. Freeze

: Gayest shorts ever seen while waiting for the ferry back to Hiroshima. With these wide-legged shorties, I could see the whole lower half of this old Japanese man’s wrinkly ass.

: Probable child molester wearing (cute) Hello Kitty slippers on the train to Shimonoseki

Shimonoseki

: I have no idea what this building is, but it definetly doesn’t look like it belongs in Japan.

: Kaikyo Yume Tower

: Tim Osh alleviating his sexual frustration

: Schweet building from another angle

: Those two beers we had while waiting for the ferry to Korea costed us a bunch of squiggly lines!? This is an outrage!!!