India

Delhi

: Pahar Ganj or “main bazaar” as seen by the light of dawn

: En route to Lal Masjid, or “Red Mosque” as it’s known in English

: Morning shave

: Lal Masjid

: A “minaret” which is Arabic for “mosque boner”

: Peepz

: Climbing to the top of the minaret. The silhouette of the red fort can be seen in the background.

: View from the top of the minaret

: Shades brigade

: Kickin’ it on the street outside Lal Masjid

: Rickshaw wallah

: Are you the keymaster?

: Spice market

: Rooftop overlooking the spice market. The round flat things are chapati or naan. I unfortunately don’t know what the rest of the shit is but there sure is a lot of it

: I was waiting for this monkey to make brown and drag his shit-covered ass across the windshield of this car. To my dismay, however, a loaf was never pinched

: India, your intolerance of and hatred for homosexuals makes me sick to my stomach. This is 2017, words like this should be eradicated from your vocabulary! FAG…shame on you and your homophobery!

: Hey buddy, just a fair warning…if you drip on me I’m gonna come up there and cut your fuckin’ rope down

: In spite of there being perfectly good public toilets like this on the side of the road…

: …some people still prefer to drop bombs on the walkway.

: “This mom has the best kids”

: Ya heard me

: Flowers for sale

: Desperately Sikhing Susan

: Red Fort

: All around the red fort there’s a deep moat…

: …and the moat is completely overgrown with marijuana. When I was looking down and smelling this sticky icky early one morning…

: …a stranger came up behind me and started mumbling something at me in a real smooth voice. I looked over and at first glance thought that the tall lanky stranger was Snoop Dogg with eye makeup on.

: The guy reached out to shake my hand and then didn’t let go as he continued to talk to my face for the next 4-5 minutes. I’m not sure if he was talking to me in English or Hindi or what, but I didn’t understand a word that was spewed at me.

: Inside the Red Fort

: 1USD = about 64 Indian rupees

: I was putting my shoes on while sitting on the steps in the background when someone came up to me and aggressively spread my ear open. I looked up to see the guy in the blue with a 5-inch needle in his hand tell me that my ears are dirty and need to be cleaned. I freaked out at the thought of this stranger prodding around in my skull and told him to get the fuck away.

: Whereas I had no intention of getting my own ears cleaned, once I’d calmed down, I paid the guy to do a demonstration on his buddy to see how this shit works. Using the same piece of metal he’d just stuck into the head of the man in the photo previous…

: …after some digging, this glob of black shit is what had been pulled from the inner recesses of his bro’s dome.

Varanasi

: Morning boat ride on the Ganges

: Darbhanga Ghat. A “ghat” is a series of steps leading down to a body of water

: Kedar Ghat, probably the most popular ghat for Hindu pilgrims looking to purify their spiritual selves while exposing their physical selves to liquid filth

: Holy Rollers

: Kedar Ghat. Not far from where I saw an old decrepit loincloth-clad man crouching down and gargling the river water while brushing his rotten teeth and bloody gums with his index finger

: OMG!!! Racists! This is just as bad as the word “FAG” in Delhi. I’m disgusted.

: Old white dudes lookin’ to dip they wrinkly balls in the Ganges. Honestly, I don’t think I’d go in there unless I had a condom on.

: The sheets from local guesthouses are washed daily in the Ganges

: Yo bro, can I get a hit?

: Manikarnika Ghat. This is the main burning ghat in Varanasi. From Assi Ghat, it takes a solid 45 minutes to walk all the way down to Manikarnika Ghat along the Ganges. I recommend starting your walk right as the sun is sinking below the horizon. As you make your way along, you’ll see daily performances and rituals being carried out at the various ghats between which are all fine and dandy, but as I drew nearer to the end and could see the glow of all the funeral pyres in the distance, I started getting butterflies in my stomach. About ten bodies of recently departed Hindus had been being burnt at a time, one after another, right there for all to see. A mustache man there informed me that when a devout Hindu (who lives reasonably close to Varanasi) dies, his/her body must make it to the river within 24 hours of kicking off. For this reason, there is special lodging right next to the burning ghat where those on the tipping point spend their final days to ensure they make it to Mother Ganga in time.

: Some Bollywood shit being filmed by my guesthouse near Assi Ghat

: BONER! Ha! She should suck herself!

: Pachyderm in bondage

: I dig this guy’s shirt

: New Vishwanath Temple

: My dude Leon in the middle of two deaf Indian guys who wanted to take selfies with us at New Vishwanath Temple

: A Holy Man SUCK IT!

: Mural along the Ganges

: Cricket match on one of the ghats

: Trippy

: Artist on the Ganges who painted the following two pieces

: Shiva smoking ganga

: Decapitation, a black boner being stomped and Ganesha

: Beggar

: Quite possibly the most uncomfortable sleeping position I’ve ever seen

: Gaylord Ice Cream – they specialize in selling dick-shaped cumsicles

: Our rickshaw driver chewing on betel nut for a tobacco-like buzz

: Leon letting security know they can go fuck themselves

Jodhpur

: Mehrangarh Fort looming over Jodhpur

: Dirty ‘stache at the fort

: Morning at the fort

: 69

: Dude needs some wax to twist his ends tight

: Man at the fort telling me about his opium habits

: View of Jodhpur from the fort where…

: …selfies are discouraged.

: Temple at the top of the fort

: The old “blue city” part of Jodhpur

: Dat ho scary

: Door at Mehrangarh Fort

: View from the roof of a house in the blue city

: Hello beautiful

: The autorickshaw of a true Bollywood fan

: Ziplining Mehrangarh Fort

: The final zip

: Twisting up that old cookie duster of his

: That shirt gets this dude mad pussy

: ‘Stache pro

: Rajasthani lady

: Bum sleeping in an ATM cubicle

: No spitting where? Into PacMan’s mouth?

Agra

: 3AC third class train car as seen from my middle bunk

: Tomb of I’timād-ud-Daulah – known to people like me who don’t got a boner for history as the “Baby Taj”

: Inside of Baby Taj

: Toilet equipped with a bum gun to go all Schwarzeneggar on your asshole and literally blast the shit out of it

: Lassi, a traditional yogurt based drink popular on the subcontinent

: In a lot of the tourist areas in India, “bhang lassi” is also available. If you pronounce it like a westerner, it sounds like the title of a porn about some hornily crazed zoophile throwing a bone to a collie, but it ain’t about that. Bhang lassi – here advertised as Bob Marley Lassi – is a form of the drink with weed or hash blended into it for your enjoyment

: Walking towards the mosque

: Yo bro, someone took a bite out o’ your house

: Are you guys sure this restaurant’s up to code with the health inspector?

: This dude popped out a gangway on the right pointing his gun just like that and it caused me to jump but I was quickly pacified by the fact that his intentions were not to do me harm but to shoot at a pack of monkeys on the wall across the way.

: While walking through the relatively empty Agra Fort train station at 5am, I went up a staircase where a bunch of monkeys had been sleeping and thought nothing of it until the alpha male flipped out at my presence, started hootin’ and hollerin’ and chased me back down the stairs. A security guard with a big wooden staff walked over, said, “Come, sir” and led the way through the monkeys, pounding his staff at them as they hissed and half-pounced on each side of me until we were in the clear at the top of the stairs. So, this is why I didn’t really feel too bad about the guy in the photo previous sniping at fuckin’ Curious George n his buddies

: Wheelchair accessible…kinda

: Cycle rickshaw man

: The Taj in the distance

: Booze

: Daaaaaa Taj

: Mandatory shoe condoms for walking through the Taj

: KISS MY BASS

: Standard, classic, early morning Taj shot

Khajuraho

: Khajuraho is a town that’s home to historic ruins in the piss poor state of Madhya Pradesh. The local economy is totally dependent on tourism and, as such, you will not be able to walk down the street without being harassed by people trying to sell you X, Y or Z. After being followed around town by the guy in the black for about an hour, I gave in to his offer to take me around MP on motorbike.

: One of the many arid rural landscapes that dominate Madhya Pradesh

: A woman carrying a basket full of shit on her head to burn and cook food on

: Biker boyz

: Tree in a small town which, to my understanding, serves as an ersatz courthouse under which local people settle their disputes in front of a jury of local elders

: Village in MP

: Lunch at a local home in the village from the previous photo

: View from the village where I ate lunch, a good thirty miles of bumpy half-paved road outside Khajuraho

: The sandstone temples of Khajuraho

: Intricately carved…

: …and drawing my attention so closely because…

: …all the sculptures are of people gettin’ their freak on.

: Youz a nasty gurl, ainchya?

: “Don’t do latrine in open space” – I don’t understand why this sign is in English and not Hindi because it’s most likely not the educated English-speaking people with access to western amenities who are doing all the pissing and shitting on the streets

: Souvenir shop where they sell replica statues of the carvings from the temples. I was flirting with the idea of purchasing a statue of a man fucking a horse from behind as seen on one of the temples. I asked the guy behind the counter if he had one and he said no. I said okay and walked out of the shop. The guy walked out behind me asking how much I would pay for a statue of a man fucking a horse. I said I wasn’t THAT interested and kept walking away. He followed me down the block. “Take a ride with me on my moto. Fifteen minutes. We go where statues are made. I get one for you.” I express my indifference with a shrug and keep walking towards my hotel. “Let’s go,” he insists, “man sex with horse, man with tiger, man with elephant, man with any animal you want! We make it for you! Come on my moto!” As much as I appreciated his enthusiasm, I politely refused the offer and went on my merry way

Amritsar

: Da streetz of Punjab

: The entrance to the Golden Temple

: Inside. The Golden Temple is the holiest “gurdwara” (place of worship) of Sikhism

: Turban bros

: View from where I spent at least an hour in the shade watching everybody walk by in their colorful costumes