A young Chicagoan's strange erotic journey around the globe
“HIS EXCELLENCY MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA – President of the Democratic Socialist Republic of Sri Lanka” The portrait of this smilin’ ass mustache motherfucker was the first thing I saw when steppin’ off the plane.
Here’s a picture of your standard looking duty free shop at Bandaranaike International Airport. Right next to this they had…
…duty free appliances for sale which is something that I’d never seen before. Think I could fit a few of those fridges in my backpack?
Sri Lankan Rupees. 1USD = approx. 130LKR
The weekly abandoned banking district of Colombo as seen on a Sunday afternoon
A striped-ass zebra-lookin’ building from the same area on the same day
Cricket is the most popular sport in Sri Lanka. Dudes of all ages can be found playing cricket pretty much anywhere there’s enough space to throw a ball and swing a bat. Pictured here are some dudes in their 20s throwin’ down some street ball Hey Arnold! style.
The twin towers of the World Trade Centre Colombo at sunset
…and, yes, unbelievably that is a giant statue of a hand grasping a rotary dial phone on the right side of the picture previous.
The short walk to the Indian Ocean from Colombo Beach Hostel…
…that leads across these railroad tracks…
…and gives way to this magnificence. We were so close to the beach that if the 2004 tsunami were to repeat itself…
…I’d have been more dead than the fish this washed-up head used to belong to.
My first morning in Mt. Lavinia, I was chillin’ here when…
…the dude on the right came up, introduced himself to me and invited me into his beachside shack of a home. On the left is a strange style of calendar I’d never seen before with the days of the week in a column on the left side.
Inside view of the crib. The shelf on the top left has both a picture of Buddha and Jesus – both of whom are part of the Super Best Friends crime fighting league.
Outside, I caught that dude’s dad in the middle of a shave. Those are neighbors’ home pictured in the background.
And, meanwhile, it was laundry day for his mom.
As I’d soon find out, this dude only invited me into his house to sell me weed at white dude prices. Part of his sales pitch was climbing a tree to pick me a fresh coconut.
Close-up of my man gettin’ his barefoot climb on.
Twistin’ off a fresh one…
…and beginning the long climb down with the coconut clamped between his teeth.
…and the home stretch. Although it wasn’t a bad coconut, I still ended up not getting any weed from this guy.
Bunch of Sri Lankan bros workin’ together to pull in a massive fishing net
Different view of these guys reelin’ in their catch…
…and a local man selling ’em straight out the ocean from his push cart.
Also, some dudes at the market doing a little filleting before they pass their product on to the public
Sri Lankan tuk-tuk. Not nearly as cheap as the ludicrously inexpensive buses but the faster and less cramped way to get around the island.
Strange lookin’ local tree I felt compelled to capture on camera
Typical example of a Mt. Lavinia home defense system
A colorful lorry speeding down Mt. Lavinia’s main road
A few peeps by whom I got caught trying to take a photo of by the banana stand.
The same threesome with a little more zoom applied
Who wants their hair did like Leo? So many salo(o)ns and barber shops in Asia have random-ass pictures of Western celebrities on their storefront signs.
“SHIT: Super Hero In Training”
A banner that reads “JESUS CHRIST IS COMING AGAIN VERY SOON”…
…and a nun I spotted nearby. About 7% of the population in Sri Lanka is Christian.
Sri Lankan cop leanin’ on a lamppost, doin’ his best street-walking hooker impression
I’d love to go for a ride on that clit-tickler
Shoe repairman hangin’ out on the corner waiting for business. Sri Lankan Hugh Laurie?
Hottt XXX pistil on stamen action
Beachside tsunami wreckage left over from 2004
A fisherman cleaning out his boat along the shore
Downtown Colombo as seen from Mt. Lavinia
So, after hanging out on the beach for a bit, I decided to walk along the railroad tracks to observe natural Sri Lankan life. The following photos are from this little quest, but keep in mind the gay dude pictured here was following me the whole time trying to make me let him suck my dick.
Big momma and her girls gettin’ down on some lunch
A roofless, tsunami-torn shack that appears to continue being used as a home
More colorfully dressed local ladies sheltering themselves from the sun
Possible British-era mansion that’s seen better days
Old broad takin’ a load off in the hot afternoon heat
Alright, so after all that wandering around I ended up in some family’s backyard and this is where the gay guy finally accepted he wasn’t gonna get to taste my man-mean and left. Here’s the neighbor of the family spying on me from the adjacent yard.
Me teaching a few of the family members how to throw down a motherfuckin’ SUCK IT
New mama. The only person I didn’t photograph here was the drunk-ass head of the family who, over a cup of tea, offered me sex from “woman, man – anything you like, I get for you.”
Doin’ her best Shrek impression
Lil’ guy with rice & curry remnants stuck to his chin
A family takin’ a walk along the beach at sunset
Street art of women doin’ housework
More street art
“69” on some big, thick, strong wood?
Boarding the train on the way to Kandy
Dude in an ice cream man outfit, casually awaiting the train’s departure
Bunch o’ Kandy asses
Monster Buddha on top of a hill – one of the first things I saw after getting into town
We had trouble finding a hostel or hotel with reasonable prices and had been getting screwed around by some tuk-tuk jerk-off when an Austrian couple with two young kids invited us to stay with them for free at their hilltop cottage here.
The next morning when leaving the Austrian’s cottage, I noticed our tuk-tuk driver back to the city was rollin’ with a bottle of hard liquor on tap. Soon enough, I’d find out that this is a very common thing in Sri Lanka. Who knows, maybe it’s for good luck and not for consumption.
“Mister Potato Crisps” – a hilarious Pringles knock-off
“India’s Magic Masala” – one of the many Asian potato chip flavors I’ve never heard of
“Spanish Tomato Tango”
“West Indies’ Hot ‘n’ Sweet Chilli”
Just as it was in the Colombo area and pretty much every other part of the country, hoards of people are always walking along the railroad tracks.
Kandy street scene
Homeless woman with some of the skinniest legs I’ve ever seen
Fuckin’ Sri Lankan Frederick Douglass?
Hotels overlooking Kandy Lake that were too pricy for my budget backpacking ass
That lake had one of the densest fish populations I’d ever seen. Look at all those motherfuckers!
Local artisan constructing metallic handicrafts
Some finished products
Then he made one of these with just a chisel and a hammer which the man offered to personalize with anything I wanted carved into the elephant’s side. Although I was tempted to have him write “boner juice,” I ultimately resisted.
Wood-carving woman doing her thing at the same shop
Some of her work
Proud woman showing off her masterpiece
More elephant shit
“Here’s a quarter, go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!”
Although this graffiti is not at all impressive, I decided to include it because of someone’s decision to scribble the word “piss” on this wall. Why “piss?” I can’t say, but it’s not quite as weird as the time I saw “OPRAH” sprayed on a wall in Uzbekistan.
Local dude showing us some of the art in his shop
More shit from his shop…
Tig ‘ol bitties
I think this is a representation of a festival called Esala Perahera. My ignorant American ass could be mistaken though.
Picture of some traditional dancers that I’d end up seeing live later in the evening
…and their mama
Nice colorful little Hindu storefront
“Asalamu alaykum!” is the universal Muslim greeting which translates to something like “peace be upon you.”
About 8% of Sri Lankans are Muslim.
Mafuckin’ po-po ‘n’ shit
Can’t mess with the “GOD FATHER OF HOMIES”
“I’m No Gynecologist But I can take a look”
Ves don’t know how to dance – suck a fat one Ves!
Little drummer boy
On that Karate Kid crane kick grind
Girl dropping one of the plates she’d been spinning
Deep throat that shit
Sunset over Kandy Lake
Door leading to a Hindu temple
I’m gonna eat your face!
Standard building design in Dambulla
The main road through town
Buddha statue next to some ubiquitous mustache president propaganda
Sick Woody sandals, bro!
House where the hotel owners lived…
…and here’s a shrine from inside their crib. Look at that afro – some Soul Train shit right there.
A lot of houses in Sri Lanka also had pictures of the president or a very similar looking mustache man.
I must’ve drank about three of these cricket-player-on-the-box chocolate milks a day. So good.
Top left has gotta be one of the most intense beards I’ve ever seen
I’ll be damned if I go to a foreign country and DON’T see Che Guevara spray painted on a wall
View from inside our tuk-tuk on the way to Dambulla cave temple
The Golden Buddha statue
Face above the door in the picture previous leading to a Buddhist museum
On the side of the golden Buddha was a long-ass line of monk statues.
Monk statues in Nickelodeon orange robes
An intimate statue moment
Touch my monkey! Touch him!
Random old man statue thrown in the mix
That statue was absolutely monstrous
One-armed man hangin’ out by the cave temple after he murdered the wife of Dr. Richard Kimble
Stoop broad’s afraid to leave her stoop
The hairdo of a stone cold boss
Foggy hills as seen from the entrance of Dambulla cave temple
Hindu art at the entrance of the caves
Inside the caves…
Big foot Buddha
View of the same cave from the other side of the big foot
Rainy day bros
Buddhas on Buddhas in this bitch
The guy on the right has a piece of poo dangling over his forehead
Snakes, Snakes – I don’t know no Snakes!
Path lined with strange trees leading away from the cave temples
Dambulla cave temple is overrun by monkeys
Fruit vendor pushin’ her product near the exit
Taken from out the constantly-wide-open train door on our way to Nuwara Eliya. The hill country of Sri Lanka looks a lot like the label on Hidden Valley Ranch bottles.
Another hill shot
Pulling into the station…
View of the town from a hostel in the hills
In the 1800s, Nuwara Eliya served as a hill country retreat for British colonialists. The building styles and gardens very much reflect the Limey influence of old.
Local Post Office
Motorbike boy chattin’ in Sinhalese on his cell piece
Golden Boy sportin’ one of the freshest jackets I’ve ever seen
Muslim man with a henna-dyed beard which is sometimes used to denote said Muslim’s recent return from a Hajj.
All type of flowers are grown everywhere you look in Nuwara Eliya.
I’m gay for flowers
Woman tending to a backyard garden
My favorite homeless guy I’ve ever seen. His hair is amazing. I gotta find out who his stylist is.
Mustache ride, anyone? Keep in mind that the stash IS white and susceptible to stains – so if you’re raggin’ don’t expect to be ridin’
Inside of a local bus we boarded on our way to Pedro Tea Plantation
View of the bus before it got jam-packed crowded
Pedro Tea Plantation
Where the magic happens – Tea fields at Pedro
Field workers’ home on the Pedro plantation
Close-up of the house from the picture previous
Some ladies workin’ it
Pick them leaves girl!
Dangerous little bridge leading to someone’s house on the plantation
More minders in the field
Gettin’ the evil eye from this tea leaf bagger
We met these guys while walking through the plantation. One of them happened to be manager of the fields and all the workers at Pedro.
So, the plantation manager told us to follow him back to his house for some lunch made by his wife. Here he is leading the way.
On the long-ass walk to his house, we passed through more beautifully green rolling hills and tea fields.
Not gonna lie, I was super tempted to shove this cow down the side of that hill.
Tea workers we encountered along the way…
Almost looks like this one’s flippin’ me off.
Plantation manager’s living room where my friend Yun and I awaited our lunch. I was under the impression that we were all gonna eat together but they only ended up serving us and watching us eat which was pretty awkward.
Then, once we finished, my man hurriedly ushered us out and said, “If you wouldn’t mind leaving now, I’d like to have my lunch.” Still don’t know why they didn’t just eat with us. Woulda made much more sense in my mind.
The ancient city of Polonnaruwa
Check out my man playin’ with his woody
Stanley Ipkiss special
Ideal locale for a Schmitts Gay pool party
Buddhism at its best
This building reminded me of a monster-ass WWI helmet.
Eat somethin’ – nobody likes a skinny-ass cow!
Them green domes look like Grinch titties
Lankatilaka from behind
Another German helmet-lookin’ building
Givin’ alms in front of the German helmet from the picture previous
One of my favorite characters encountered in Sri Lanka
Couple dogs trying to keep warm during a rainstorm at Sigiriya
Some of the world’s earliest pornography found at Sigiriya
Yala National Park/Tissamaharama
View of Tissa Wewa Lake in Tissamaharama – the starting point for most excursions to Yala National Park
Workers tending to the fields in Tissa (pronounced Tee-sah)
While exploring this part of Tissa near the lake, I heard some noises up in the tree on the right then looked up and saw…
…hundreds of bats gettin’ they sleep on ‘n’ shit. They were quite big.
My pecker’s bigger
Non-saturated water buffalo
To be completely honest, his pecker’s probably bigger.
Bebop and Rock Steady lookin’ ass
Patanangala, rock formation at Yala beach
Yun lookin’ out at the Indian Ocean from Yala Beach
Deer MILF with her two kids
Cock digging for edible scraps in a pile of animal shit
A whole family of fat asses
I didn’t stay in Matara, but had to transfer buses here on my way to Weligama from Tissa. In Matara, there’d been some sort of military demonstration taking place.
Those guys don’t look so tough!
Pier across the street from Matara bus station
Weligama is a popular spot for surfing and stilt fishing.This is the view from our hotel room.
Weilgama crib as seen from the bathroom window of the hotel
I got crabs.
Beautiful digital clock tower identical to the one in Dambulla
A close-up of the tuk-tuk rainbow in the picture previous
Hotel room view of the sunset
Nationalistic army poster at a Weligama bus stop
Triumphant propaganda poster of the mustache president as seen on the bus from Weligama to Galle
Hallway of our thirty dollar a night hotel leading to…
…this fancy lobby. Way nicer than most hostels my cheap budget backpackin’ stays in.
Typical looking building in Galle Fort
One of the several throwback cars sittin’ around Galle Fort
“Indian Hut: No Pork, No Beef, No Liquor.” Perhaps they should consider adding “No Fun”?
View of the lighthouse in Galle Fort
More street art
“NO RACISM IN CRICKET”
Team practice at Galle International Stadium
St. Mary’s Cathedral, Galle
Inside of St. Mary’s
St. Mary’s side view
Buddhist shrine on da streetz
Outer wall of Galle Fort
Clock tower of Galle Fort
Galle flower power
What’s gonna kill this Sri Lankan kid first? The snake in front of him or two monkeys giving him the evil eye from behind?
Close-up of the monkeys in the picture previous. Check out those bowl cuts.
The coast from Galle Fort
The lighthouse of Galle as seen from the rock in the picture previous
This dude could give the shocker to four hoz at the same time. Baller!
The less appealing part of Galle
This dude jumps off the cliff then climbs the rocks in his bare feet for five bucks a pop. Although expensive by Sri Lankan standards, I couldn’t pass up the offer.
I believe I can fly
Callin’ his shot
360 degree corkscrew dive
Swimming back to the main rock
Climbing up to claim his five dollars
Couldn’t believe how this dude climbed so well in his bare feet. He earned every penny.