Chapter 30 – Only in Thailand
Back in Chicago, after a night out on the town, my buddies Jack and Kutasi ended up going home with a pair of broads they’d met and stayed up all night partying. When push came to shove in the wee hours of the morning, they each paired off with one of the dames for a drunken one-night liaison.
After a couple hours of toying around, neither of the gentlemen had gone to sleep and decided to skip on outta the apartment. The sun was already out and, before going home to sleep off the wicked hangovers that would soon follow, Jack and Kutasi decided to go out to breakfast at a local diner.
The two gentlemen had been sitting in a booth, one across from the other, when a veteran in the waitressing game – a woman of probably about sixty years – came up to take their order. Although they’d both been worse for wear, it’s my understanding that Kutasi had been a bit better off than Jack who’d been having a very difficult time keeping his head up and his bloodshot eyes ajar.
“Whoa!” the waitress proclaimed. “You guys look like you had a pretty good time last night. What were ya doin’? Where’d ya guys go?”
Before Kutasi could cover for the both of them with a simple response, Jack jerked his head back and peered at the woman through squinted slits.
“I don’t know where I was,” he mumbled, “but I was eatin’ pussy.”
“What a coincidence,” the old lady waitress replied, rolling up her skirt, pulling down her tights and sticking her big gray bush in his face, “that’s our special today. Hope you saved room for seconds…”
Naw, the waitress didn’t say that. I don’t know what she said after Jack had dropped that bomb on her. I mean, when you’re a sixty-year-old woman, how do you respond when some twenty-five-year-old jerk-off says something like that to you? I’d probably just pretend that I didn’t hear it and go on with my life.
A few days after having accidentally gotten my dick sucked by a girly-looking man with breasts in Chiang Mai, Thailand, I was back in Bangkok continuing on a totally self-destructive month-long bender. One afternoon I’d woken up around three after a particularly rough night, rolled out of the bed in my dorm room and went out searching for something greasy to kill the stabbing pain in my stomach.
At the time, I must’ve looked like shit because I sure as fuck felt like it. And not that I cared, but I was dressed like a bum. I’d been wearing a grimy pair of shorts that hadn’t been washed in a dog’s age and a thrift store t-shirt which I’d bought and ripped the sleeves off that said, “I (heart) My Grampa” across the chest. So, not only did my weathered face make me look like a twenty-four-year-old bag of dog shit but there was absolutely nothing about the way in which I presented myself that in any way exuded wealth, class or prominence.
After wandering for a bit up and down Silom Road, I came across a place called Patty’s Fiesta. To my outrageously hungover self, Mexican sounded like it’d hit the fuckin’ spot. So, I decided to check it out.
Upon entering the establishment, I was greeted by a waitress who sat me at a table in the middle of the restaurant. Aside from one European dude who’d been getting fucked up by himself at the bar, I was the only customer in there. The waitress – a chick in her thirties who was quite fit with a nice rack and a perfect ass – brought me a menu and told me she’d take my order whenever I was ready. If my buddy Jack had been in my position, this is probably when he’d have told the employee that he’d been dining on snatch the evening previous.
As I tried to concentrate on the menu in my drunken state – which was quite expensive, by the way – the woman stood close by and giggled at me, making it even harder for me to decide what I wanted to eat.
“Uh, yeah,” I glanced up at her, “can you just get me a glass of water right now? I need a minute here.”
“Okay,” she laughed then walked away.
During this time, I decided on the chimichangas and told her so upon her return. She went off to the kitchen to tell the chef and I was left nursing my water.
A few minutes later, the waitress came over to my table for the sole purpose of telling me how handsome I was and then walked away before I had a chance to respond.
This confused me. As I said, I looked and felt like shit. Based on the way I was dressed, there’s no way she could’ve thought I was a rich guy she could kiss up to for cash. And there’s no way she’d have said that to me just for the sake of expressing her feelings. It didn’t feel right and I didn’t really know what was going on, but I decided to play along.
“I think you’re very attractive too,” I told her when she dropped off my meal.
She smiled and walked away.
A bit into the chimis – which weren’t too bad – she stopped back by the table, bent down and put her face by my ear.
“Now I’m thinking of you kissing me.”
“I’m down with that,” I told her before she again left me.
When I was about three quarters done with the meal, she again came up and got really close.
“I’m so horny and wet,” she whispered. “I want you to touch me all over my body.”
No one’s ever said that to me before.
“I would love to.”
Her English was pretty good but not perfect which made the following phrase – which I still found sexy enough to give me a raging boner – come across as quite strange.
“Now I’m imagining you putting your penis between my boobs.”
“I can do that,” I told her. “Know what else I’d like to do?”
“I’d love to eat the rest of this chimichanga out that ass o’ yers.”
“What!?” she laughed. “You say you want to fuck my ass?”
“No, I didn’t say that. But I wouldn’t mind doing it.”
She grinned and walked away.
About five minutes later when I waved her over to give me the check, she had her contact information written out on a slip of paper.
“My name is Pha,” she told me. “You email me later. I want to take a day off work so you and I can do something about horny.”
So I went back to my hostel, jacked off about the conversation I just had and then spent the rest of the day sleeping like the alcoholic loser I was. But I eventually did email Pha. And, posted below from early December 2012, is what turned out to be the funniest electronic mail correspondence I’ve ever been a part of.
ME: Hey Pha,
Don’t know if you’re still interested in taking a day off work to do something involving my schlong and your boobs as you suggested we do when you were “horny” and “wet” back in the Mexican restaurant. Holler at me if you wanna meet up on Saturday and bump uglies.
Timofy Jay – Destroyer of Chimichangas
P.s. You’re a lady, not a ladyboy, right?
PHA: Hi Tim! What’s up?
All I want is to see you. All I can do is think of you.
I’m still hot and wet and horny a lot for you.
Can we meet up on Saturday at the Mexican restaurant so we can talk what’s going on about horny? I want to show you I’m the girl not a ladyboy.
Be horny, sweetie
Kiss lick suck and fuck all night and all day.
ME: Hey gurl,
Why you so horny all the time? I don’t think I can meet at the Mexican restaurant because I’m now staying out by the airport and don’t plan on going back down to the city. However, if you feel like coming out this way I’m at a place called Plai Gardens where you’re more than welcome to come around and have a taste of my burrito as it leaks with my own special brand of sour cream. Lemme know what’s good.
Sweet dreams filled with big fat juicy boners,
PHA: Hi Tim
Ok now…I hope that is what you meant by sweet dreams and then to taste and explore you more than just a dream and experience.
Sweetness. Sweetest dreams
(Email containing naked picture of Pha with stuffed Elmo doll partially covering her hairy-ass vag)
ME: Hey Pha,
Damn that picture’s makin’ my dick all sorts of hard. However, I must ask – what is Elmo doin’ down by your pussy? Does he have the final say in whether or not the bush gets shaved?
PHA: Hi Tim
I send you the sexy picture of me because I find someone like you to satisfy my sexual feeling.
Kisses all over you,
(This time she attached a nude photo that focused on the breasts with both Elmo and Big Bird in it)
Thank you. Keep ‘em comin’ because you got me cummin’
PHA: Hi Tim
My throat is dry…I do really think sucking your sweet wet hard cock will help my throat. I never want stop making you feel.
My sexy body…I lay back and open waiting for you to slide your hard cock inside me….you are excited me a lot…can’t wait to see you.
See you see me see my soft hairy pussy…very orgasm.
I have shaved already…almost cut my clit. he he he
My lips against your lips
My mouth in and out of your wet hard cock
(This one had two black-and-white ass shots where the thong is the only thing colored…aside from Big Bird of course who was also in Technicolor)