Chapter 29 – A Close Encounter of the Homosexual Kind
After taking in a night of midget Muay Thai at the CM Entertainment Complex and then wandering the streets of Chiang Mai getting drunk all by myself until the break of dawn, I felt too shitty to get out of bed the next day and spent what few moments of sunlight I’d been awake for laying on the bottom bunk in my dorm room, jerking off to some YouJizz productions that’d been beamed to my iPod screen by virtue of the hostel WiFi. When I finally clambered out of my chambers sometime around sunset for the sole purpose of once-again drinking myself silly, I encountered a group of three dudes in their early twenties – one Brit and two Americans – with whom I started talking and had made plans to go out to dinner.
While awaiting my Pad Thai and a plate of friend papaya at a local outdoor eatery, my compatriots, the Brit and I shared a round of beers while getting to know one another. During this time, I learned that James had been the name of the bloke from across the pond. I forget the Americans’ names because they were kinda lame and are quite insignificant to the outcome of this tale.
As the chatter continued, our food had yet to arrive amid the busy hours of the evening rush. As such, to keep ourselves occupied, we grabbed another round of drinks. That round of drinks led to my craving for a smoke which I decided to satisfy upon completion of pop numero dos while we continued to wait for the delivery of our dinner. Since the eating area appeared to be a smoke-free zone, I stepped away from the table and out on to the sidewalk where I was joined by James the Briton.
“I just spent a month working at a vineyard in Australia,” James told me while suckling his fag.
“Oh yeah?” I asked in return. “How’d ya like that?”
“I fucking loved it. It was brilliant,” he said then paused. “But maybe I loved it too much. After a month of getting smashed every day for free, I felt like I had to get outta there and dry out a little.”
“Hmm. And this is how you’ve decided to dry yourself out? Drinking beer in Thailand?”
“Well,” he smiled, “I guess it is.”
James was an average-looking limey bastard – average build, average height, average mop of dingy blonde hair atop his average head. But he was a cool dude that had a decent bit of crazy in him. I guess it takes one to know one. With this dude, I felt I was able to connect on more levels than I was with the other two members of our supper club who either didn’t like to get really wild or were more reserved in sharing that deep and dark, ugly-ass part of themselves.
Over the course of the evening, James and I would keep double the drinking pace of the two other guys we’d been with. As it usually tends to when brains become soaked in alcohol, the topic of our conversation soon switched over full-time to one that alcoholics love discussing – namely the matter of from where they’re gonna get their next drink.
“Yo,” I began asking, “have you been over to the CM Entertainment Complex yet to watch any o’ that midget Muay Thai?”
“Yeah, I was over there the other night,” James said. “Shit got wild. Some ladyboy came into the place on a motorcycle then pulled out a machete and cut off another ladyboy’s ear right there near the ring – blood was everywhere.”
“No shit,” I laughed. “That sounds awesome. I was there last night but nothing like that happened. But I’d be down to go again tonight if you guys’re interested.”
The group agreed and we headed over there after squaring up on the bill.
While making our way over to our destination, we passed up a great many massage parlors where all the employees – a good deal of many whom I figured to be prostitutes based on the uniform clarion call of “Hello handsome, you like massage?” – sit at the front of the establishment in skimpy outfits baiting customers to come in and get ‘bated. Since I was feeling pretty loose after a few drinks and felt like making fun of what I thought their profession entailed, as we walked past a massage parlor that had a picnic bench in front of it down the block from a McDonald’s, I responded inappropriately when the employees gave me the old “hello massage” in my passing.
To get a rise out of my new friends, I decided to start pretend-masturbating at the group of young ladies – one of whom had had angel wings tattooed across her back – and continued to do so until fake-blasting a fat load in their direction. The girl with the wings started flailing her arms in disgust while hissing and yelling “Fuck you!” at me as we walked away laughing.
A little bit further down the road right around the CM Entertainment Complex had been a middle-aged woman sewing together homemade wristbands with peculiar things written on them. Among the ranks had been ones that said, “FUCK MY BOSS,” “FUCK THAI LADY,” “FUCK ASS HOLE,” “SHIT CUNT,” “I (heart) RAPE,” “SPIZY DICK,” “HUGE COCK” and “I (heart) MAD CUNT.” I asked her why she was sewing such ridiculous things on the accessories but she didn’t speak English and handed me a piece of paper and a pen, indicating that I write down whatever I wanted her to custom stitch for me. On this list had been a bunch of similarly ridiculous phrases written by perverted tourists. Although coming up with an original cuss combo might’ve been fun, I was in a hurry to get to the bar and keep drinking. As such, I took one of the pre-made ones that said “EAT JIZZ” on it to be my brother’s Christmas gift and then got back to business.
While at the CM Entertainment Complex on this particular evening, we hadn’t been lucky enough to see any machete violence between transsexuals. Well, at least to my knowledge, we hadn’t. I got so fucking drunk so fucking fast over there that I’m not quite sure what happened. What I do remember was leaving the CM Entertainment Complex drunk as shit with James to go to a nightclub while the two other guys we were with opted to call it a night.
As my memory serves me, James and I were at this club each wearing thick, thick sets of beer googles. I don’t know for how long we’d been there, but we soon lost each other in the crowd in what I imagine to have been our respective pursuits of pussy. After slugging down one too many unattended drinks I’d found sitting around, I remember having the hiccups and being unable to stand. I remember inching up and attempting to grind on random chicks but being set so off-balance by my reeling head that I’d continually tumble to the ground and have an incredibly difficult time standing back up. One of those spills sent me directly into a high boy table where I’d knocked down some drinks on impact and, next thing ya know, I’m being dragged outta the place by a bouncer. Once outside, I sat down on a curb and lit up a cigarette.
When sitting there in my drunken stupor trying to figure out how I was gonna sneak back in, I struck up a conversation with who I remember as being one of the most beautiful Thai girls I’d ever seen. She seemed really into me and I got a good feeling she and I were gonna get it on. Of course, I’d later find out that this wasn’t a lady at all, but an extremely feminine looking ladyboy. Seeing that I am not a homosexual and I’m not into ladyboys, you might imagine how frustrating this discovery had been for me. But we’ll get to my emotional breakdown later. I first wanna show you how high my hopes had gotten built up before getting completely leveled by this mind-blowing revelation.
So, I have no idea what we could’ve been talking about, but at some point this “chick” suggests we go back to her place. I’m more than happy to. We walk over to her motorcycle and I hop on the back. As she takes off driving, I reach around and use both hands to cling to her tits through her slinky little top as we go burning through the streets of CM. It’s always been a fantasy of mine to get road-head while operating a motorcycle from a chick sitting in my sidecart but this is the closest to it that I’ve gotten so far – and it’s not even that close. But I was still excited nonetheless. In fact, as I embraced her from behind with my genitals right against her ass in them tight little jeans, I think my flag may’ve been flying at half-staff.
After we get back to her apartment – a little under-decorated studio with little more than a place to sleep – we sit on the edge of her bed and start making out. One thing leads to another and her shirt comes off. The titties look really good and I grab a handful as we continue to ram and jam our tongues down each other’s throats. She starts giving me brutal hickeys all over my neck and chest. Hickeys ain’t normally my cup of tea, but I couldn’t resist and decided to let her do her thing.
Following a few more moments of the PG-13 stuff, this chick laid me out on her bed, pulled off my pants and began to slob all over my knob. While I’m getting derbed, I sit halfway up, rub her shoulder, her upper-arm and one of her titties just because I like to touch while being touched. Following a few minutes of this – I can only deal with the previews for so long before getting to the feature presentation – I became so hot and bothered that I decided I needed the pussy right then, at that very instant. I sat all the way up and started trying to undo this chick’s jeans. She reached down and stopped me.
“Yo, c’mon,” I said. “Let’s fuck.”
“Oh no, no.”
“Whattaya mean no? Seriously, let’s fuck.”
I thought this meant that she just wasn’t gonna gimme any pussy. It never even halfway occurred to me that I’d been getting down with a really girly looking man that’d had fake tits attached to his chest and a tubesteak downstairs.
“No pussy. I ladyboy.”
“Oh,” I sighed and sat there on the edge of the bed in silence.
Strangely, the news didn’t make me mad, it just made me weirdly and sadly depressed. Because in the place where I grew up, doing anything not considered traditionally manly and instead acting in a way that might be interpreted by those around you as gay is something incredibly shameful. And there’s few things in the world more gay than getting a blow job from a guy. Without another word, I pulled up my pants and walked out of the ladyboy’s apartment whereupon I started staggering around the streets of Chiang Mai.
At the time, it was already about five-thirty in the morning and I’d been feeling desperate as shit. Going back to the hostel without first “un-gaying” myself by banging a real-life female hooker was absolutely out of the question. After about an hour of searching and not finding any of whom I sought, I came across the McDonald’s I’d seen back when I began the bender which reminded me that that one massage parlor where I’d made a bunch of obscene gestures at the employees had been in the vicinity. My drunken logic told me that’s where I needed to go to pay for sex so I could feel better about myself.
So, I show up at this massage parlor and it’s not open. They got one of those steel doors pulled down over the storefront. I’m so frustrated, I don’t know what to do with myself. I start pounding on the door, yelling for them to open up so I can at the very least get a tug job from a real girl so I didn’t feel so gay. No one responds to my “homo-neurotic” cries. In the meantime, I decide to go get McDonald’s breakfast to kill some time. After my trip to Mickey D’s however, I come back and the place is still closed. I decide to go back to the hostel to try and sleep. I lay in bed for several hours but sleep never comes.
Sometime in the late morning, I roll out of bed and walk back to the massage parlor. One girl who doesn’t recognize me from my obscene gestures the day before hands me a menu from where I’m supposed to pick the type of massage I want.
“Oil, traditional, I don’t care,” I tell her. “I’ll take whatever as long as it comes with a happy ending.”
This girl doesn’t really speak English and doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Nonetheless, my request is overheard by the girl with the angel wings tattoo on her back who clearly remembers me from the day before. She storms over to intervene.
“You! You come here looking to fuck!?” she shouted at me. “Fuck you! This is not place to fuck!”
This came as a surprise because I thought for sure the way I’d seen the girls the day before calling out to every white guy walking past that this was definitely a place that people go to fuck. As it happens, I couldn’t take any more bad news and stood there on the brink of tears getting yelled at by this incredibly pissed off woman. I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn’t argue back or walk away or do anything but just take it.
One of the other massage girls – a very cute olive skinned girl in her mid-twenties who’d been wearing a brightly colored sundress – walked up to see what was going on.
“What is the matter here?” she asked.
“He come here looking to fuck!” Angel Wings shouted.
“Is this true?” asked the girl in the sundress.
I nodded my head and whimpered.
“Oh no, we don’t do that here,” she responded. “If you want a normal massage I can give you one, but we don’t do that other stuff here. Would you like a normal massage?”
I nodded again. Angel Wings seemed infuriated but the other girl decided to take me on anyway. She grabbed me by the hand, led me to one of the rooms upstairs and instructed me to get naked. She left the room and I did as I was told and was laying on my stomach when she came back. She put a towel over my ass, climbed on top of me, oiled my shoulder blades up and started rubbing me down.
About twenty wordless minutes later, she instructed me to roll over. I did and she continued the massage. I watched her closely as she caressed my chest and stomach. She’d look back deeply into my eyes every now and then as if she were trying to read my soul.
“Why you come here trying to fuck?” she eventually asked.
I took a deep breath and decided to tell the truth – not the whole truth with the ladyboy and whatnot, but the truth nonetheless. The truth of the way I feel. Ya see, I often have this dream where a child wanders into the forest and gets lost along the way. The child is a young version of myself. Eventually the sun sets and I can’t find my way out. I am alone, afraid and wandering in the dark. The next day, a search party comes looking for me. I can hear the bloodhounds barking as my friends and family call out my name. Although their cries reach me, I don’t know where they’re coming from and, for some reason, I can’t respond to them. There’s nothing I can do to get back to my home. I feel helpless – like I’m destined to an eternity of rambling solitude.
“Because I’m really lonely. I feel very alone all of the time.”
“You don’t have any friends?”
“Of course I have friends. It doesn’t seem to help though. It just doesn’t go away.”
“Maybe you need a Thai girlfriend,” she said, reaching down with her oily hand and starting to massage my manhood which’d soon after stood at attention. She continued looking me in the eyes while jerking me off. I tried to stare back into hers but was so disgusted with myself that I couldn’t and started crying. Nevertheless, she continued doing her thing until I jizzed all over my stomach as streams of tears cascaded down my cheeks. I’d hit a new all-time low.
About half-a-week later, I was back in Bangkok and was out again getting shitfaced by myself in a red light district called Soi Cowboy. As I’d been walking down the street sometime around midnight with a freshly purchased beer from the nearest 7-Eleven, I saw a familiar face heading towards me. It was James. His skin was all scraped up and his arm was in a sling.
“Holy shit,” I said. “What the fuck happened?”
“Oh man,” he said, “am I glad to see you! You’re not gonna believe what happened to me on that night we went out in Chiang Mai.”
I didn’t think his night could’ve been much more wild than mine turned out to be.
“Yeah, so, from that club we were at,” he began, “I ended up leaving with a ladyboy…”
Knowing I wasn’t alone, a shit-eating grin spread across my face so fuckin’ fast.
“…but didn’t know it was a ladyboy at the time. So, she had a motorcycle and she wanted me to get on the back of it. But I refused and told her that I wanted to give her a ride. She agreed and I started driving. I have no motorcycle experience and was too plastered at the time to even tie my own shoes. So, I think we only got like a couple blocks away from the club before I wiped out, broke my arm and totaled the ladyboy’s bike.”
“Wow,” I said to the madman across the water. “That is fucking outrageous.”
“Yeah man, it was. But what happened to you? I see half your neck is covered in love bites. You end up going home with a nice Thai lady?”
“Well,” I scoffed at my own misfortune as I began to unravel the tale, “I thought she was a lady…”