America's Finest Ambassador Chapter 38 – Ditching Din

Chapter 38 – Ditching Din

Following an awkward fifteen minute tuk-tuk ride during which very little had been said, Din, Schmit and I arrived at my new girlfriend’s hotel on the other side of the island where we’d decided to get some brunch. To her credit, as she’d said, Din’s hotel was much nicer than mine. Not only was there a pool, but the door to her room was no more than thirty feet away from the white sands of a pristine beach that led to the type of crystal clear ocean water I’d only ever seen in the movies. Right along this beach had been the outdoor portion of the hotel restaurant where the three of us sat at a table under a canopy which protected us from the already scalding rays of the morning sun.

“What the hell is a cheese sandwich,” Schmit asked while perusing the menu.

“I dunno. It’s gotta be like a grilled cheese, right?”

“No idea.”

“You gonna get it?”

“Yeah, maybe. I do love cheese.”

As I sat looking at the menu, trying to figure out what I was going to get, Din had been staring out at the beach where a white man, his wife and daughter had been playing in the sand.

“Look at lady,” Din laughed. “She so fat.”

I glanced over at the woman’s big fat ass as she bent down to help her child add to his sand castle.

“Yeah, she is pretty fat,” I agreed. “Must’ve taken up two seats on the plane to get over here.” I looked back down at the menu. “You gonna get any food, Din?”

“No. I don’t want.”

“Why not? Cus you don’t wanna be fat like the lady on the beach?”

“No, I just don’t want. What you two want to eat?”

“I think I’m gonna have the eggs and rice. Brian wants the cheese sandwich.”

After nodding her head in acknowledgement, Din walked over to the kitchen and put in our orders. A couple minutes later, she returned to the table.

“So,” Schmit began as he leaned back in his chair, “how did you two meet?”

I sat with nothing to say as Din re-launched into the whole explanation of how I’m a sad drunken loser who she’d found and rescued from the lady bar the night before.

“You paid for his cab?” Schmit said. “That’s so nice of you.”

“Yeah, because he drunk and don’t have any money. He don’t even remember where his shitty hotel is. It take forever to find.”

“Okay. That’s cool,” he smiled. “So, uh, are you guys like, boyfriend-girlfriend now?”

“Oh yeah,” she replied. “Last night we make a boom boom. He’s like this,” she raised her left hand and used it to make a circle with her thumb and fingers before sliding her right fist and forearm back and forth through the makeshift vagina. “It was like a big happy hot dog.”

“Holy shit,” he laughed. “A big happy hot dog?”

“Yeah,” she reiterated as her cell phone began to ring, “a big happy hot dog.”

Din looked at her phone and answered the call. Moments later she stood up from the table.

“Hey,” she said while cupping the receiver, “come to my room after you done eat.”

“Yeah, okay,” I said.

“Don’t give them money, I already pay.”

“Ah, okay. Thank you.”

As soon as she was out of earshot I turned to Schmit.

“Dude, I can’t figure out what’s going on here. Why’s she paying for everything? You think she’s a ladyboy or something?”

“Naw man,” he laughed. “I don’t think she’s a ladyboy.”

“Well, I don’t understand what she wants from me. Who takes a blackout drunk dude home from a bar and pays for all his and now his buddy’s shit? There’s gotta be an ulterior motive, right?”

“I have no idea what she’s thinking. I can’t argue with the free meal though. And I’m almost a hundred percent sure she’s not a ladyboy.”

“Yeah, yeah. I mean, she can’t be a prostitute either because she’s the one paying for all my shit. So why? Why is she doing all this stuff?”

“I don’t know man,” he said prior to sipping from his drink. “But uh, before coming down here and during my first couple weeks, I thought that all Thai girls were sluts because of the hookers you see out at the bars and shit like that. But they’re not. Those are uneducated rural-ass farm girls who got dragged to the city by pimps and have no other way of earning a living. Most Thai girls are actually pretty conservative. I work with a guy who went out on a couple dates with a regular Thai girl and they ended up fucking and like, that was it. She wanted to get married and shit.”

“What?”

“Yeah, that’s what he told me – that once the normal girls give it up to you, you’re their man. Maybe she wants to be with you or something like that.”

“Bullshit.”

“Hey, just tellin’ you what I know.”

He shrugged and took another slug of his drink.

Minutes later, the waiter arrived at our table holding two plates.

“Egg?”

“Oh, that’s me,” I said, reaching up to take it from him.

The guy then set in front of Schmit the other plate containing a half-pound mondo burger with a tiny slice of cheddar cheese thrown on the top.

“Cheese sandwich?” he asked the waiter, pointing to the dish. “This?”

“Yes. Cheese sandwich.”

“Uh, okay. Thank you.”

“Bet you weren’t expecting that,” I said after the guy had walked away.

“Yeah, I guess Koh Samui’s just turning out to be one big surprise after another.”

He took a bite.

“How is it?” I asked.

“It’s not bad,” he said with a cheek-full of ground beef protruding from the side of his face. “It’s no big happy hot dog, but it’s not bad.”

After eating our free meal, Schmit and I walked over to Din’s room where she’d been bagging a bunch of beer bottles that sat on a table just inside the door. She took notice of our presence, held up and shook the garbage bag to make us aware of the contents.

“See, look,” she said, “I drink last night too. I drink with two British guys. I keep up and drink as much as them. They finish a beer, I finish a beer, but still I don’t get drunk as you. I don’t sit at lady bar with no money and forget where my hotel is.”

“Yeah, yeah. I get it,” I said as I took a seat on her bed. “I was fucked up. I’m sorry. Thank you for taking care of me and saving my life and so on and so forth. What more do you want from me?”

“I never see anybody get as drunk as you! I…”

Her phone began to ring again. She answered it and smiled as she began jabbering in Thai. She’d seemingly forgotten we were in the room.

“Yo, I’m gonna go take a piss,” Schmit said.

“Go for it,” I replied while staring at some bizarre Thai sing-along program that’d been on the television.

The bed had been right next to the bathroom and the door was pretty thin so I could hear Schmit’s stream as it hit the water. In the middle of his evacuation, I heard the toilet seat fall.

“Oh shit,” I heard him say during a brief lapse of pee-to-water contact.

When he finished up in there, he came out and sat next to me on the bed.

“You piss on the seat?” I asked.

“Aw dude, I murdered it. Thing came fallin’ down mid-piss. There was nothing I could do to stop it.”

“Great. I hope she sits in it and gets it all over her ass and then I get it all over my crotch next time I make a boom-boom on her.”

He laughed as Din continued to gab away on the phone.

“Yo fuck this,” I said. “Let’s go hang out on the beach. Go for a swim or some shit.”

“Alright.”

Since I didn’t want sand or water on either, I set my camera and my wallet down on the table in Din’s room and told her that we were going to the beach. She didn’t seem to notice and kept on with her conversation.

On the beach, it was hotter than a mofo. After taking off our shirts and tossing ‘em in the sand, Schmit and I hopped right into the Gulf of Thailand. While wading in the piss-warm, pristine waters in which tiny schools of fish had swam right up to us, we reminisced about the old neighborhood back home.

“Hey,” I said, “did I ever tell you about the time I was washing windows over at Notre Dame with my dad and his fireman buddies?”

Notre Dame is the Catholic high school nearest our neighborhood that Schmit had attended. I went elsewhere for my secondary edumacation.

“Nah, I don’t think so.”

“Well, alright. You wanna hear it?”

“Lay it on me.”

“So, it’s probably like four years ago already. I think it was the summer between freshman and sophomore year of college. I guess the head janitor at ND had been a fireman or maybe he was retired or something like that, but the point is that the guy knew my dad and he’d asked if we were interested in doing the windows. We normally only do people’s homes but since the guy was a fireman, my dad decided to take on the job.”

“Uh-huh.”

“After we’d agreed, the guy says that he wants them washed the week before school started so we show up on Monday morning ready to rock. All the teachers are there holding conferences and working on their lesson plans while volunteer students are doing work here and there, cleaning up and shit like that. Pretty standard stuff.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah so, as you know, there are hundreds upon hundreds – maybe even thousands – of windows at Notre Dame High School and the most we ever work with is about six or seven guys. So this became a five day job. I think the first three days we did all the outside windows and then were doing the insides on Thursday and Friday.

“These fuckin’ windows hadn’t been washed in years. They were absolutely filthy. The insides were as bad as the outsides. In fact, they were so filthy that I had to change the water in my bucket after almost every classroom. I don’t remember if it was Thursday or Friday but near the end of this massive undertaking, I was so sick of being at Notre Dame high school that I coulda fuckin’ puked.

“So anyway, on one of the two final days, I was in the hallway washing those windows above the lockers that look into the classroom. You know what I’m talkin’ about? Those interior windows between the classrooms and the hallways?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Yeah, I gotcha.”

“Okay. So I was workin’ up there on top a six-foot ladder and it was dusty as fuck. There was like two inches of dust on top of those lockers. I couldn’t wash the windows without brushing some of it around and breathing the shit in. It was causing me to sneeze and I had fuckin’ snot running down my face nonstop. It was pissin’ me off immensely. But as I keep going, on top of these lockers I see they got a bunch of mouse traps – the sticky kind, not the lure-‘em-in-with-a-piece-of-cheese, snap-their-spine-with-a-lever kind. On one of them, I discover a dead mouse. It was a pretty big one too. Looked kinda fresh as well.

“Inside the classroom of the windows I’d been washing, it looked like a teacher had been getting ready for the upcoming school year. They weren’t in the room at the time, but his or her desk had been covered in all sorts of papers with calendars and bullshit next to a pretty full cup of coffee. As I mentioned, I was in a shitty mood and decided to take it out whoever this teacher was.”

“I don’t like where this is going.”

“So, I pick up this mouse trap and head into the classroom with it. I bring it over to the teacher’s desk and decide to dump the dead mouse in the coffee. But as I try to shake it in there, it doesn’t wanna budge. The thing is pretty stuck. I shouldn’t have expected anything else, as being stuck there is the way that it had died.”

“You’re sick.”

“Guilty,” I laughed. “Well, since I don’t wanna touch this fuckin’ thing but am determined to get the job done, I pick up the teacher’s pen they’d been using to takes notes on their lesson and use it to pry the dead mouse off and flick it right into the coffee. ‘Plop!’ Some of it splashed out when the mouse took a dive and I quickly wiped it up. Once the java had settled, the stiff body of the thing had floated to the top. I used the pen to stir it around and push the mouse to the bottom but it didn’t wanna stay down. So, I ended up wiping the pen off on my shorts, putting it back where it was and leaving the room like nothing ever happened.”

“You’re a sick, sick man,” he said. “And you don’t even know which teacher you did this to?”

“Nah. Hope it was the same teacher that Mickey had thrown his jizz at or whatever.”

“Huh?”

“Didn’t you say you were in class with Mickey and he blew his load on something and threw it at the teacher?”

“Oh, yeah, okay. Man, I haven’t thought about that in years.”

“Me neither. How’s that story go again?”

He took a minute to gather his thoughts and then began…

“It was freshman year. We were in English class together, first period. I barely even knew Mickey back then but I sat next to him in the front row,” he said. “One morning, we got to class, the bell rang and our teacher – a real super sweet old lady – had started her lesson. She had her back to us and was writing on the board when I could see Mickey out the corner of my eye pulling a piece of paper from his backpack and starting to unfold it. ‘Hey, hey Schmit,’ I could hear him say. ‘Check this out.’ I look over and this kid’s holding up a smudged-ass picture of some big-titted spread eagle bitch that he printed off the computer and jizzed on right before school. The fuckin’ ink was running off the bottom of the page. It was still wet. Like, he’d literally just jizzed on it right before class.”

“Mickey is such a retard.”

“Yeah, no shit. So, instead of folding it up and putting this disgusting piece of pornography back in his backpack, he decided to just toss it on the floor towards the front of the room. Then our teacher – somebody’s grandma, mind you – sees it and says, ‘What’s this?’”

Schmit began to act out the scene.

“So, she picks it up, gives it a look and upon realizing what it is, goes, ‘Oh my!’ and immediately drops the thing to the floor. She looked so repulsed I thought she was gonna have a heart attack and die on the spot.”

“Could she tell it was jizzed on?”

“I don’t know what she thought because honestly, who does something like that? Who jizzes on a home-printed piece of porn, brings it to school and throws it on the floor for the teacher to pick up?”

“I’ve never heard of anyone else ever doing something like that.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

“So, what’d she do?”

“She took a second to regroup, got a handful of Kleenex, picked it up again and tossed it in the garbage without mentioning a word about it. Short of a DNA test, she knew she wasn’t gonna catch who did it so she decided not to give the mystery pervert the satisfaction of making a big deal about it.”

After our swim and stroll down memory lane, Schmit and I – both towel-less – laid down on the beach to dry and thanks to our respective rough nights, ended up passing out for a long, long-ass time. It had already been the late afternoon when I finally came to. Din had been crouching above me, gently rubbing my thigh, telling me to wake up.

“Hey, me and you, let’s go for a swim. He no invite,” she said about Schmit who continued to snooze.

Me being the horny pervert I am thought I was about to get me some ocean action and jumped up to follow after Din who’d had a handheld fishing net and an empty plastic 1.5 liter bottle in hand. She sat down in the shallow water and I followed suit. There, she used the net to swipe at the many schools of miniature fish and then transferred those she’d caught into the bottle.

“Here, you try,” she said while handing me the net.

I wasn’t really into the fishing but went along with it for a minute or two. Din had a big smile on her face and seemed to be enjoying everything about the moment.

“This is really nice,” she said. “I really enjoy this.”

“Yeah, me too,” I lied in hope of getting an underwater blowjob.

“You know,” she began caressing my leg again, “I love you so much. I so alone until I meet you.”

“What? Are you kidding right now? We just met like, a little over twelve hours ago.”

“Yeah but we make a boom boom and now we in love.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about that.”

“No, it’s true. We in love.”

“Aren’t I a little too young and immature to be your lover? I just turned twenty-three. Do you really wanna be in love with a twenty-three-year-old dipshit who gets wasted off his ass and hangs out at lady bars? How old are you, by the way, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I thirty-four, but I don’t believe age is problem when two people in love.”

I ignored her and tried to think of something disgusting to say that would spoil her feelings for me.

“Yo, wouldn’t it be funny if I were to stick my dick in this bottle then take a piss in there, shake it up and watch the guppies die in my pee? I think that’d be really sweet.”

She’d been just as good as I at pretending not to hear things she didn’t want to.

“Me and you. We meant to be together.”

“Here,” I handed her the fishing net, stood up and began walking towards the beach.

She came right after then ran past me.

“I go get ice cream for you and your friend. I be right back.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

I started shaking Schmit’s leg.

“Yo dude, wake up. We gotta get the fuck outta here. Din just told me that she loved me and wants to be with me. Let’s fuckin’ go.”

He seemed pretty groggy.

“Well, uh,” he said while rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, “isn’t your wallet and shit still in her room?”

“Oh shit,” I’d completely forgotten. “She went to go buy ice cream or something. I’ll run over there and see if it’s open. If it is, I’ll grab my shit and we’ll leave right now.”

“Alright.”

I sprinted up the flight of stairs and then over to Din’s room. I put my hand on the knob and twisted but it wouldn’t budge. My belongings were being held hostage. I ran back down to the beach to report the bad news to Schmit.

“Shit dude, it’s locked. What can we do? Should I break the window to get my shit then leave?”

“Nah, don’t do that. She knows where we’re staying.”

“Fuck. Then what?”

“I don’t know man.”

“Aw, god damn it,” I said as I saw Din walking over, holding a tray with three bowls on it. “Here she comes already.”

“Hey, come sit up here with me,” she called from a patio up at the top of the stairs. “I order ice cream for you. Come eat before it melt.”

With the ball in her court, we reluctantly agreed and joined Din up at the table. No one else was around. It was just us three.

“Here, two bowl of ice cream.”

“What’s that you got there?” Schmit asked. “You didn’t get any ice cream for yourself?”

“No, I got soup. I make it myself.”

“Really? That’s interesting,” he said. “You know, when starting a relationship I think it’s very important that a woman knows how to cook. What you think about that, Tim?”

“Fuck you.”

He laughed as he sat down. I grabbed my bowl of ice cream and sat on the opposite side of the table from Din. Moments later, she got up from her seat, walked over and sat on my lap.

“So what we doing tonight?” she said while rubbing my thigh. She loved to rub my thighs. “We gonna make more boom-boom?”

“Uhhhh, it’s kinda hard for me to eat this ice cream you bought me when you’re sitting on my lap like that.”

“That okay. Try eat this instead,” she dipped her spoon into the bowl of soup that’d been sitting on the table in front of us. “It good for boom boom. I make it myself.”

She stuck the spoon in my face.

“What’s in that shit? Looks like someone tossed a severed cow udder into a bowl of piss.”

“No, that mushroom. It good for boom boom. You taste.”

“No thanks.”

“Yes, you should eat because it good for boom boom. Tonight, we no go out. We stay in my hotel and make boom boom.”

“Well actually, my buddy Tim is coming in from Singapore. He’ll be here in a few hours and we’re gonna go out and get fucked up again.”

“You not doing that!” she spat while setting the spoon back down in the bowl.

“Oh, I’m not?”

“Maybe he do that,” she said, looking me in the face while pointing at Schmit, “but you not go out tonight.”

“Uh, yeah. I don’t think so,” I said. “I’m going out with my friends.”

“Maybe you no hear me. You stay with me at the hotel tonight. I no care where he go,” she pointed at Schmit again. “Me and you go to market together and I cooking dinner for us.”

“Okay guys,” Schmit laughed, stood up and was about to walk away, “I’ll give you two lovebirds a few minutes to sort this whole thing out.”

“Whoa dude, no,” I nearly threw Din off my lap trying to grab at him. “Don’t leave me here dude. Where you going?”

“That okay,” Din said, “he can leave.”

“No, he can’t, he’s staying here.” Now I pointed at Schmit. “Sit down. You’re not going anywhere without me.” I redirected my attention towards Din. “I’m sorry. No. I’m not doing that. I’m not staying in with you and cooking dinner and I’m not going to make a boom boom. I’m going out tonight with my friends.”

“Well,” she realized she wasn’t gonna win me over, “what bar we go to then?”

“What bar are we going to? I thought you were staying in and cooking dinner or some gay shit like that?”

“No, we all going out,” she said and hopped off my lap. “I go get beers. You could start drinking right now.”

Before I could tell her no, she was already on her way back into the restaurant. A couple minutes later, Din returned with a big bottle of Chang in each hand.

“Where’s yours?” I asked.

“Oh no, I don’t want,” she said.

“Well, I don’t want one either.”

She shrugged, sat back on my lap and started playing with my penis through my swimsuit. I guess she didn’t want a beer because she’d instead been thirsty for a nice stiff “Dickens’ Cider.”

“I’m so haw-ny,” she said as Schmit sat there uncomfortably taking slugs from his beer.

Even though I wanted nothing to do with her, there was little I could do to stop myself from getting a boner. She wrapped her fist around my dick and started pulling on it harder. As she jagged it up and down, the netting of my swimsuit started to chafe the hell outta my salami rod.

“Hey,” I grabbed her hand and pulled it away from the gear, “stop it.”

She could tell how serious I was and stopped tugging but wasn’t done playing. What she did instead was get down on her knees and start kissing my still-erect penis through my swimsuit while making direct eye contact with Schmit.

“Why are you lookin’ at me when you do that?” he said. “It’s fuckin’ weird.”

She started giggling.

“I think I’m gonna give you two a minute alone,” he added while standing up.

“Schmit,” I shot him a look so virulent and so nasty it could’ve made a Clint Eastwood scowl look like a Smilin’ Bob grin in one of those erection-enhancing Enzyte ads, “if you leave, I’ll fucking kill you.”

He resumed his place at the table.

I reached down and put my hand between my package and Din’s face.

“Seriously, you need to fucking stop it, right the fuck now.”

“But I so haw-ny,” she said with a puppy dog face.

“Here,” I said, picking up my Chang, “why don’t you just use this bottle?”

“What?” she didn’t understand what I’d meant.

“I’m not gonna drink this beer and I’m not gonna boom boom you again. So maybe you should just use the bottle to satisfy yourself.”

Schmit laughed, she scowled. It felt wrong for me to say, but a line had been crossed. I had to stand my ground. Din parked her ass back in her own chair and the three of us sat in silence as the sun began to sink into the Gulf of Thailand.

A few minutes later Schmit finished his Chang and set it back on the table. He then lifted up his arm, turned his head and took a deep whiff from his underarm.

“Aw man, I fuckin’ stink. I really need to take a shower.”

“Yeah, me too,” I added. “I’m sweaty as fuck.”

“I have shower,” Din said. “You could use shower in my room.”

“Oh that sounds like it would be great and I appreciate you offering but, you know,” Schmit reasoned, “these clothes we got on are too dirty and sandy to put back on after getting clean. Both of us got all our clean clothes back at the hotel.”

“Well, what about me?” Din said. “I come with you, you shower and we all go out?”

“Hmm, that wouldn’t work out too well because then we’d all be sitting around in our tiny little room for three hours while we wait for our friend Tim to arrive from Singapore,” he explained. “I’ve been living in Thailand, so I have a Thai phone number. Why don’t we exchange numbers right now and in a few hours when we’re all ready, we’ll contact each other and meet up somewhere?”

She didn’t like it, but must’ve figured it was all she was gonna get.

“You give me your number. I wanna call and make sure it work.”

“Okay,” he said and relayed it to her.

She immediately dialed it. Schmit’s phone started ringing. He pulled it out of his pocket and held it up for Din to see.

“This your number?” he asked.

She nodded.

“Okay, well, now you know how to reach us. Give me a call in a few hours when you’re ready and we’ll tell you what bar we’re going to. We can meet up there. Sound good?”

She nodded again and we started walking toward the street from where we could catch a tuk-tuk.

“Oh, but uh, before we leave,” he added, “can I use your bathroom? That beer your bought really made me hafta pee.”

“Okay,” she said and unlocked the door.

While my buddy walked towards the john, I popped in the room, grabbed my shit from the table and stuffed it in my pockets. After expelling the few droplets of piss that could’ve easily been held in – none on the seat this time around – Schmit emerged from the facilities.

“Thank you so much. I really had to go,” he said to her then looked over at me. “You ready big guy? You got everything ya need?”

“Yeah. Let’s do it.”

“Okay. I call you tonight,” Din said. “You tell me what bar you at.”

“Of course,” he reassured her as we walked out the door, away from the hotel and over to the street to catch a tuk-tuk.

Over the course of the next two days, Din must’ve called Schmit’s phone five-hundred times and he didn’t answer it once. Although I’d been expecting her to show up at the door of our hotel with a knife to remove my big happy hot dog, she never did. I felt bad for treating her so poorly. She wasn’t even that bad of a person and wasn’t bad looking at all, but I was too freaked out by the whole coming-out-of-a-blackout-with-a-stranger-on-my-dick situation to wanna deal with her and her inexplicable feelings for me. After leaving her beachside hotel, I never saw Din again.

Love…