A young Chicagoan's strange erotic journey around the globe
First thing I saw when hoppin’ off the plane at PEK
Took a shuttle bus from the airport to the Beijing Central Railway Station and, during this 45-minute ride, I learned that in China obeying traffic signals is optional, cigarettes are mandatory, lanes are non-existant and sidewalks are fair game for speeding motorcyclists and auto-rickshaw drivers.
Clock tower at Beijing Central Railway Station. As absurd as it may seem, all of China’s vast longitudinal expanse falls into the same time zone.
In Beijing, “hutongs” are narrow streets or alleyways with courtyard residences on either side. This hutong is where I had my first meal, see the following picture for details
Although I had a largely positive culinary expericence while in China, certain restaurants serve meat dishes that, in all fairness, totally suck ass due to the exorbitantly high bone content. Sometimes it’s like they jammed the entire chicken through a woodchipper and serve you whatever comes through. These are the bone fragments spit out by me and the Chinese guy at the adjacent, streetside table.
Qianmen Walking Street during Mid-Autumn festival
Uncomfortably crowded hutong with awesome architecture near my hostel just off Qianmen walking street.
Girl wearing a popular “FxCK SCHOOL” shirt. She had no idea what the shirt meant or why I wanted to take a picture of it.
Thought I’d try taking a shortcut to get from point A to point B but ended up getting lost for at least an hour wandering through this tiny, narrow maze of a residential hutong.
Colorful decorations spoiled by shadows on the side of someone’s house in aforementioned long and winding narrow hutong.
Are you Hong Enough?
A lovely traditional Chinese facade
Tiananmen – The gate to the Imperial City. In the center of the Imperial City is the Forbidden City which served as the ceremonial and political center of the Chinese government as well as the home of emperors for 500 years during the Ming and Qing Dynasties.
A “huabiao,” which is a sort of Chinese ceremonial totem pole in front of Meridian Gate – the entrance to The Forbidden City. The Forbidden City’s interior consists of 980 buildings and covers 7,800,000 square feet.
Mao Zedong – the toast of the Chinese Communist Party
More of Forbidden City’s sprawling interior
Inching along through gate after gate like this being shamelessly shoved in the back by hoards upon hoards of Chinese people made my walk through Forbidden City seem like it lasted forever
Disgusting pre-packaged and sealed, cold-ass hamburgers sitting on a shelf in a Forbidden City snack shop
Unless you like feeling like you’re at a rave 24/7 constantly grinding, being breathed on and touched by strangers, don’t travel to China during the Mid-Autumn Festival. It’s waaaaayyyyy too crowded if you plan on going to tourist hot-spots.
Wit’ yo’ St. Peter’s Basilica lookin’ ass
Stop looking at me swan!!!
More people. Can’t get a shot without other people taking shots in my shot
Just crowds on crowds on crowds in this bitch
Tiananmen Gate or “Gate of Heavenly Peace” by night
A portrait of Chiang Kai-Shek in Tiananmen Square
Lovely flowers. Tiananmen Square had been decked out for the Mid-Autumn Festival
Chinese guards controlling the masses. I think they only chose soldiers that were over six-feet-tall to stand guard at Tiananmen Square to appear intimidating and powerful to visitors and citizens alike
Great Hall of the People on the Square’s west side
Flower Towers. When Commies are throwin’ down, they don’t skimp, man! They go all-out.
Monument to the People’s Heroes
Tiananmen from a colorfully decorated Tiananmen Square
Monument in front of Mao’s Mausoleum in Tiananmen Square
Machine gun Chinaman aimin’ his chopper
National flag blowing in the wind. The flag-raising at Tiananmen Square is a time-honored tradition that draws huge crowds of tourists, faithful Chinese and the occasional tardy drunk wandering home from the late-night bars every morning at sunrise.
Mother and child posing in front of extravagant flower arrangement in Tiananmen Square.
Same flower arrangement after-hours minus mother and child
In addition to porn playing cards, they also had bin Laden terrorist packs and Saddam Hussein regime decks at the night market
Sexually suggestive t-shirts for Beijing fanatics
Old Chinaman with a classic opium den beard
An “organism” can next to the “recycling.” Good place for on-the-go, male-supremecist Chinese to dump unwanted female fetuses into?
Qianmen walking street when the sun goes down
Qianmen, or “front gate,” at night. Qianmen is also known as Zhengyangmen, or “gate of the zenith sun” in English.
Gate to Lama Temple
Inside the temple complex
Devout Buddhists burning incense for the Enlightened One.
Spiritual statue bros
Altar at Lama Temple
Buddha Triumvirate sittin’ pretty at the forefront of a temple
This was a tall Buddha that I’d been struggling to get a picture of due to the amount of people crowding around it so I stuck my arm in between some of the visitors and snapped a quick one the way a perverted upskirt photographer would. Despite the Buddha’s face not being in the photo, I think it turned out pretty well.
The Communist Catholic People’s National Alliance to Preserve Public Nudity
Gulou – Beijing Drum Tower
Drums. The drums and bells of the Drum and Bell towers served as ancient time-announcing tools until 1924 when Western-style clockwork stole the show
Percussionist statue inside the Drum Tower
Bicycle rickshaw driver hard at work near the B&D Towers
Bell Tower just across the way from the Drum Tower
Che Obama t-shirt at a sidewalk vender right outside the Bell & Drum Towers
Change purses at another nearby sidewalk vendor. I don’t know if something gets lost in translation or if the guy translating the phrases printed on these things was a moron, but this shit is way too funny. Examples: “Books to hate less when party. Money is not enough to not at flowers,” “Earth in its true feelings. All the handsome boy I love.”
“A step up closer helps keep it cleaner” – sign posted above every urinal. The kind way of saying “Players with shorter bats step closer to the plate?”
Had to include at least one tasteful one from Temple of Heaven
This building would make an awesome Pizza Hut
Real life version of a Super Mario Bros. warp pipe at Temple of Heaven
Old man writing what I’m guessing are lowbrow messages in water on the sidewalk at Temple of Heaven
My man gettin’ lined up at an outdoor barber shop
Two dogs with their asses sewed together. Reminds me of watching Catdog on Nickelodeon when I was a wee one
Chaoyang Theater Acrobatics
Stack o’ chairs handstand. The flexibility of these chicks really put some lead in my pencil.
Spinning umbrella juggling with your feet. How do you begin a career in that sort of thing?
Girl balancing a bowl between her feet while bending like she’s Gumby on some dude’s legs. ***No porcelain dishes were injured during the making of this photo album***
Went to the lobby for a snack and saw they serve corn on the cob ice cream.
Also in the lobby was a man painting super complicated, artsy versions of the roman alphabet in just minutes
Beautiful Chinese acrobat with foot en pointe on some dude’s head
Check out my girl bendin’ over backwards…dayum
How many Chinese broads does it take to ride one bicycle?
An Australian dude I met at the acrobat show eating some silkworm larvae at Sanlitun Bar Street. This dude claimed to have once banged Jo Frost, The Supernanny, while in Bali and woke up the next morning to nothing but a red, period-blood handprint left on the ceiling
Silkworm larvae – tastes like chicken…I guess
A self-labeled “xiao jie,” or prostitute, on the right flipping me off alongside her girlfriend
Gettin’ my ass chewed on by a big dog during a several-day bender at Sanlitun
Yet another bird set into flight, this time alongside an unsavory lady, a walker of the night…not the one I ended up banging though.
There were too many rules of what you can and cannot do in the bathroom…
…so I just did like so many of locals and took my business out to the street. Look at that pen(is)manship – “T LAL WAS HERE”
At Sanlitun Bar Street, there is no shortage of African drug dealers who hang n slang their product night after night. A few of them even had their own business cards. Here I am commemorating one “businessman” with a bouquet of flowers for his prompt and reliable service.
The Jinshanling portion of The Great Wall
More of the big boy. One archaeological survey found that the entire wall, with all of its branches included, measures out to be a rejokeulous 13,171 miles.
The Jinshanling portion of the wall was built in 1570 during the Ming Dynasty, is 10.5km long and has 67 towers.
As not-so-obviously evidenced by the tower on the right, some parts of the wall are in bullshit shape and are downright dangerous to walk on…
…but what do you expect from something that old?
Time’s been a bit cruel to this part of the wall. Passers-by opt to take the narrow side steps instead of the main, fucked up staircase.
Looks like life during wartime
Stunning view of a part of the wall that’s seen better days
I saw a 40-year-old Spanish woman tumble down these steps, bust her head open and start bleeding. Despite being nearly twice as old as that, the elderly, young-at-heart Chinese woman in the picture followed me for about four hours trying to get me to buy postcards from her. I was so impressed by her endurance that I eventually gave in.
SUCK IT GREAT WALL!!!
Right near Yangshou bus terminal
The streets of Yangshuo
Some sicko put cement shoes on this yak and tossed it in a pond…I’m guessing
Yangshou in the Guangxi province is know for its karst mountains which are those strange things far in the distance that look like cartoon mountains from the Mario Bros. video game for original Nintendo
Some houses surrounded by incredible scenery
Strange mountain overlooking the road
Postin’ up at Monkey Jane’s rooftop bar for some cold ones with a Frenchman
Warning in Monkey Jane’s bathroom
Gettin’ down with my Taiwanese bro, Lawrence, who really knows how to throw down a good SUCK IT when the situation calls for it
Lawrence ‘n’ my buddy Tim Osh renting motorbikes the next day
Sons of Anarchy
I’d never ridden a motorbike before this day. This is the spot where I crashed my bike into another bike that’d been parked by the side of the road. A big piece broke off my ride but thankfully the woman didn’t notice when I returned it because it was dark out. Shhhhh. Don’t tell her.
How the bamboo rafts get from the car to the river
Paddlin’ on down the river
Yulong River from an overpass
Inside Silver Cave
This is what I always pictured hell looking like
Sign from inside the caves with an ambiguous meaning. A warning to wife-beaters or a preventive measures against chronic masturbators?
Glad we didn’t miss the “CRNAND OPEN”
Unattended child trying to drive a car. Can’t be much worse than the rest of the drivers in China.
“Cheese Lobster Flavor” from Lays
Boat ride down the Yulong
Before we actually got on the boat and had still been negotiating prices with the driver, this woman bounced from person to person rubbing her bag of oranges on our arms and chests and just saying the word “hello” over and over in a creepy, gruff, low-volume, 4-pack-a-day smoker voice.
This other vender had the balls to actually follow us down the shore several hundred feet then climb in the boat after us trying to sell her fruit while using the same line as the other vendor – a nice raspy “hellllllo.” Here’s Tim Osh using his “for free?” line to irritate the woman into leaving us alone.
Other boats chugging along
Entrance to the city wall of Xi’an – one of the best preserved city walls in China
Sweaty fat fuck painted on the wall near the entrance
The current city wall in Xi’an was started in 1370 by the Ming Dynasty, is 39ft. tall, 8.5mi. in circumference and somewhere between 49 and 59ft. thick at the base. It took me about four hours to walk around the whole thing though there are bikes for rent if you’d prefer to pedal.
A side look to highlight the magnitude of this structure.
One of the sights from atop the city wall.
Interesting juxtaposition between old and new China.
New skyscrapers and apartment complexes tower over the wall that is over 600 years their senior.
One of the many flags incrementally placed around the top of the city wall.
Xi’an Bell Tower in the exact center of the city with a roundabout encircling it.
Muslim Quarter in Xi’an
A herd of living-impaired animals hung out to dry at a butcher shop in the Muslim Quarter
“Refreshing Black Funguses” from a KFC near the Muslim Quarter. Never seen the words “refreshing” and “funguses” in the same sentence before. Come to think of it, don’t think I’ve ever even seen the word “funguses” before.
Chinese Muslim man wearing a ‘taqiyah’ atop his noggin.
The Grand Mosque – the first mosque built in China
Courtyard inside The Grand Mosque
This is what the Arc de Triomphe would look like if it were in boner mode.
A casual taqiyah SUCK IT at The Grand Mosque
Path and gate between courtyards flanked by well-kempt shrubbery
“SADDAM HUSAYN AL-TIKRITI, President” Pack of playing cards on sale right outside The Grand Mosque at a souvenir stand.
Awesome architecture near the south gate of the city wall.
Statue of Han Yu, the famous litterateur of the Tang Dynasty, at the Big Goose Pagoda.
The Big Goose Pagoda in all it’s glory.
Group of statue musicians surrounding The Big Goose
Columns at pagoda park with Chinese people posing for pics at the end of the stretch
Some relief of Chinese camels
In one part of the park there is an enormous fountain system which is a very popular place for tourists and locals to take pictures in front of. I cannot count on two hands how many Chinese people’s cameras I appear on doing ‘suck its’ with people who’d been fascinated by my red hair and pasty white skin.
Elaborate sidewalk pattern just beside the SUCK IT fountain in the photo previous
Some sort of vase or urn at the Mausoleum of the First Qin Emperor where the Terracotta Army is located.
“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away”
Terracotta Warriors and Horses in Pit #1 of 4. Assembled to protect Emperor Qin Shi Huang during the afterlife, these statues were buried around 210BC and were not discovered until 1974 by local farmers.
Soulja Boy up in this ho
There are more than 6,000 figurines in Pit 1 alone. I hope I can convince people to do something this extravagant for me when I kick off.
Deez cats ain’t fuckin’ around
Each statue is unique and has a different face.
Many hands and heads are missing from the ranks in this pit.
The statues of the terracotta army were made in pieces and then assembled. Here, a few once proud soldiers lay in ruin.
Totally dismembered, almost unrecognizable terracotta bodies. What type of sick son of a bitch would do this?
Kung Fu Warrior
One of the most diagonally complicated, traffic-crossfire, intersection crosswalks I’ve ever seen. Many of the larger boulevards in Chinese cities have underground walkways to avoid havoc and human pancakes being formed on the asphalt, but not this one.
D. Rose ad in one of the aforementioned underground walkways
At a bar called Park Qin, this Chinese bro taught me that two people who have no idea how to speak each other’s language can still have a good time together as long as we have Google Translate on deck as a medium to exchange filthy jokes and explain how to play drinking games.
Went with two Chinese girls and an American bro to a late night KTV session and it turns out the girl that allegedly wanted to have sex with me, in actuality, only wanted to pick and play with my nostrils. As big of a bummer that was, she couldn’t even stay faithful to just my nostrils and had to play with the other dude’s too. Such a slut.
Village near the Giant Buddha in Leshan
Hard to see, but the trunks of the trees lining this foggy roadway – and many other ones in China as well – are painted white. I’ve heard conflicting opinions on why this is done but have never gotten a definitive answer. The possible reasons for applying this practice are to keep away unwanted insects, for protection from the sun and also as headlight reflectors to guide nighttime drivers.
Statue modeled after Gozer’s Terror Dog from Ghostbusters at the Leshan Giant Buddha
After climbing through the complex, here’s finally approaching Leshan Giant Buddha. Pictured is the side of the Giant Buddha’s giant head.
Started in 713 and completed in 803, this statue is 233ft. tall and is carved out of a cliff face looking over the the Minjiang, Dadu and Qingyi rivers.
Super packed mountainside staircase filled with Chinese vying for photos of the Giant Buddha.
View of the river from the steep and slippery staircase in the picture previous.
The Giant Buddha once upon a time had a thirteen story wooden structure protecting it from wind and rain but was destroyed by the Mongols near the end of the Yuan Dynasty.
So much stone was carved off the face of this cliff and deposited into the river during the making of this statue that it actually altered the flow of the currents. To give you an idea how big this thing really is, those are people at the Buddha’s hairline level on the left side of the photo.
No visit to a UNESCO World Heritage Site is complete without a SUCK IT. Here I am blocking foot traffic on this treacherous stairway while having a stranger take this low-brow photo.
Statue of a guy parting the wild horse’s mane?
Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding
Pandas are major fuckin’ lazy-asses that don’t do shit but sit around and eat all day. Here’s the morning feast.
“Is that panda dead?”
“C’mon, how ’bout this one…are you SURE that panda’s not dead?”
Wasted-ass alcoholic, coke-sniffing, pot-smoking sluggo panda pissing his self.
The red pandas tended to be a bit more active than the black ‘n’ white boys.
Free-roaming blue peacock
“How come him is wearin’ that!?” – Ali G upon seeing a strange bird he didn’t recognize at the Vietnam veteran/veterinarian’s farm.
Tianfu Square presided over by the Chairman
Tianfu Square subway station
Mao up against the cold gray sky
The hustle and bustle of Tianfu Square
Green huabiao in Tianfu Square
“BOOKING OFFICE FOR TRAIN TINCKETS”
Naked robot face
The view from inside a Chinese sleeper bus I took from Shangri-La to Kunming. With beds not made for people of my height to fit comfortably, I’d been eating my knees and slapping the people on each side of me in my sleep the whole time. Also, the dude in front of me enjoyed smells from my dirty feet as I pretty much kicked him right in the face all night long. At least no one had been having sex on the bus right next to me. I’ve heard a few horror stories from fellow travelers.
Welcome to Kunming, capital of the Yunnan province