A young Chicagoan's strange erotic journey around the globe

America's Finest Ambassador

Chapter 1 – From the Beginning

Chapter 1 – From the Beginning Southeast Asia, the setting of many a nightmare for once-young Americans and a region tainted by Hollywood images and history books. It’s the place where I saw Lieutenant Dan’s legs reduced to nubs and a fast-running Forrest shot in the ass while frantically tearing through the thick of the […]

Chapter 2 – We’ve Been Through Some Real Shit Together

Chapter 2 – We’ve Been Through Some Real Shit Together My Southeast Asian adventure began in the year 2011 on the 26th of January – another brutally frigid day in the dead of a Chicago winter. It was a sunless day with winds powerful enough to steal your breath and with a temperature so cold it could convert even the steamiest of […]

Chapter 3 – Seoul Searching

Chapter 3 – Seoul Searching The boarding gate for Asiana Flight 235 from Chicago to Seoul was huge and absolutely jam-packed with people of Eastern descent. Seeing only two other honkies in the place and feeling like the minority for the first time in my life, a strange sense of self-consciousness pervaded. I found an […]

Chapter 4 – Booger-Smearing Denial

Chapter 4 – Booger-Smearing Denial My first order of business upon landing at Incheon International Airport had been finding a bathroom and pushing out a loaf of nut-laden pumpernickel. Whilst I sat on the crapper, my eyes happened upon a familiar sight which, to a degree, had resembled the back of the nightstand adjacent my […]

Chapter 5 – Initial Impressions of Korea

Chapter 5 – Initial Impressions of Korea When my grandpa was younger than I am, he fought in the Korean War. Aside from mentioning how “some bleeding heart mothers back home complained and got our three-beer-a-day rations taken away,” he doesn’t do much talking about it. When asked about the battles, my grandpa told me […]

Chapter 6 – The Way We Was

Chapter 6 – The Way We Was The year 2006 had been a turbulent time at Marquette University. That whole year, I feel as if my school email account had been perpetually filled with warnings and notices of on-campus crime. “Two students abducted by local gang members – forced to empty their bank accounts at […]

Chapter 7 – Reunited

Chapter 7 – Reunited After having gotten off on the wrong foot during a party at his older sister’s house when I stood on the hood and pissed on the windshield of the beloved O’Shaughnessy family “Mazdarati,” Tim and I formed a friendship during our freshman year at Marquette University. We remained bros for all […]

Chapter 8 – When Ya Gotta Barf, Ya Gotta Barf

Chapter 8 – When Ya Gotta Barf, Ya Gotta Barf At Malaysian customs checkpoints, there’s supposedly a sign that reads: “Immigration Warning: Malaysia welcomes bona fide tourists but not hippies. You are therefore advised at all times to dress, behave and live decently in hotels as becoming a bona fide tourist. If you are dressed […]

Chapter 9 – A Trip to the Office of Mr. Bud Selig

Chapter 9 – A Trip to the Office of Mr. Bud Selig Following the Hotel Istana catharsis, Osh and I found and checked into a place called Back Home Hostel. The rooms had cement floors throughout and smelled like a moldy old unfinished Chicago basement. Nevertheless, the place appeared to be insect and rodent-free, at […]

Chapter 10 – The Culinary Vigilante

Chapter 10 – The Culinary Vigilante Giving heed to our growling stomachs, Tim and I stopped off at a crowded-ass street market somewhere in downtown Kuala Lumpur to get some lunch. After rambling through a sea of women in hijab who’d been buying and selling everything from fruits and vegetables to halal meats and fresh […]

Chapter 11 – Religion is Like a Penis…

Chapter 11 – Religion is Like a Penis… Following a rather uneventful Toy Story evening during which I took my buzz “to infinity and beyond” then went out looking for a chick to play with my woody, Osh and I rose early the next day and boarded a bus to the Batu Caves on the […]

Chapter 12 – A Dry Casino?

Chapter 12 – A Dry Casino? Following our early morning visit to the Batu Caves we had the rest of the day to do whatever we wanted. Lacking the imagination to come up with anything more productive or original, Tim and I decided our time would be best spent getting piss drunk all afternoon while […]

Chapter 13 – Karim of the Crop

Chapter 13 – Karim of the Crop On the north side of Chicago is a neighborhood my dad and his fireman buddies refer to as “The League of All Nations.” The League of All Nations can be found along a major east-west thoroughfare known as Devon Avenue between intersections with Kedzie and Western and had […]

Chapter 14 – The Night I Made Love to an Ugly Malaysian Midget

Chapter 14 – The Night I Made Love to an Ugly Malaysian Midget Following six or seven hours of rain, the weather cleared up. Tim and I started drinking at a table in an outdoor courtyard between the bathrooms and the dorm rooms of our hostel where we were joined by a girl from New […]

Chapter 15 – A Threesome Kinda Guy

Chapter 15 – A Threesome Kinda Guy Following a brief nap of a night’s sleep during which I wish I’d dreamed the whole Malaysian midget fiasco, I woke up around noon with my tongue plastered to the roof of my bone dry mouth. In desperate need of rejuvenation that only a Gatorade could provide, I […]

Chapter 16 – Rendezvous

Chapter 16 – Rendezvous Later on that night, Kathleen O’Shaughnessy had been flying in to meet us after a day-and-a-half layover in Tokyo. Like Tim and I, Kathleen had attended Marquette University in Mil-wasted, Wisconsin. At MU, freshmen and sophomore students are required to live in the dorms where no booze is allowed. Of course […]

Chapter 17 – The Footsteps of a Previous Generation

Chapter 17 – The Footsteps of a Previous Generation On the night that Kathleen had been due to meet up with us at the Park Hyatt Saigon, Tim and I got drunk on sangria and passed out before she’d even arrived. Sometime during this twelve hour coma, Tim’s older sis had slipped into the room […]

Chapter 18 – An Infinite Sea of Yellow

Chapter 18 – An Infinite Sea of Yellow Following our visit to the Cu Chi Tunnels, sometime in the early evening three over-the-hill Vietnamese guys arrived at the Park Hyatt Saigon to pick us up on cyclos. In Vietnam, a cyclo is a three-wheeled, pedal-operated member of the rickshaw family. The cyclist sits elevated slightly […]

Chapter 19 – Kids Say the Darndest Things

Chapter 19 – Kids Say the Darndest Things Like the silver ball being batted around a pinball machine by the deaf dumb blind kid in the movie Tommy, we bounced up and down the crowded-ass streets near Tran Hung Dao Roundabout in search of a rowdy watering hole. After passing by a few boring old […]

Chapter 20 – Culture Shock

Chapter 20 – Culture Shock Since we’d decided to be jackasses and stay out drinking until seven in the morning, we ended up sleeping through our morning bus to Phnom Penh. From what I can recall of the conversation we’d had with the concierge the day beforehand, there were two morning buses that run from […]

Chapter 21 – That Which I Can’t Relate To

Chapter 21 – That Which I Can’t Relate To We’d started our only day in the Cambodian capital by getting up early, walking out the hostel and facing our nightmare from the evening previous. In the light of the morning sun, Phnom Penh was a different world. The streets that had caused my penis to […]

Chapter 22 – A Filthy, Filthy Habit

Chapter 22 – A Filthy, Filthy Habit By the time we pulled into the bus station, night had already fallen in Siem Reap. Like our arrival to Phnom Penh, we’d been surrounded by all types of “sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies and dickheads” shouting prices and competing with each other to take us […]

Chapter 23 – I Hate Molesters

Chapter 23 – I Hate Molesters Contrary to my immediate inhibition regarding the removal of my shoes, Home Sweet Home hostel turned out to be a lot nicer than the place we’d stayed at in Phnom Penh. Not a speck of dirt had turned up on my socks and, in our room, there’d been actual […]

Chapter 24 – The Pros & Cons of Name-Calling

Chapter 24  – The Pros & Cons of Name-Calling Sometime after we’d eaten lunch, Mr. Tino returned on his tuk tuk. “How was everything?” he’d asked. “Did you guys get some good food?” “Everything was great, Mr. Tino.” Well, everything except for the fact that I’d yelled at a bunch of children. “Good. Good,” he […]

Chapter 25 – Floating Village, Sinking Sun

Chapter 25 – Floating Village, Sinking Sun We’d all been showered and ready to go when Mr. Tino showed up to grab us from the hostel. With only two hours before the sunset, we wasted no time and piled into the back of the tuk tuk. On the floor of the carriage had been a […]

Chapter 26 – An Ugly Recollection

Chapter 26 – An Ugly Recollection Slightly penetrating my comatose state, a phone belonging to Tim or Kathleen began to buzz sometime after the sun had risen. Although I could hear the repetitive droning sound echoing in my head, I couldn’t respond to it and continued catching some hazy-ass Z’s. “Yo, let’s gooooooooooo,” Tim kicked […]

Chapter 27 – Stranded & Vulnerable

Chapter 27 – Stranded & Vulnerable We boarded the plane and it soon became evident that my decision to pound Dairy Queen chili dogs and an Oreo Blizzard for breakfast had been like attempting to extinguish the fire in my belly by chugging a can of gasoline. On the flight between Cambodia and Laos, I […]

Chapter 28 – Personal Alterations

Chapter 28 – Personal Alterations Capping off our day of sightseeing, on our way to a place we’d heard about called Sunset Bar, I noticed an unusually large amount of stray dogs even by Southeast Asian standards. Now, I don’t know if these filthy mongrels hadn’t been milked in a while or if they’d all […]

Chapter 29 – The Press-Up Fiends From Down Under

Chapter 29 – The Press-Up Fiends From Down Under The day after our visit to Samlo Pub, our posse set sail for a backpacker haven in the northern part of Laos known as Vang Vieng. With its seemingly endless supply of booze and drugs, Vang Vieng is a hotspot along the Southeast Asian tourist trail […]

Chapter 30 – Banned from Prom

Chapter 30 – Banned from Prom The next morning in Vang Vieng, Laos, while renting inner tubes to take out on the Nam Song River, we met a couple of guys named Ben and Harry. Although they were both shirtless Australians, neither of them were in-your-face assholes who felt the need to try and trick […]

Chapter 31 – Grinding Ain’t My Thing

Chapter 31 – Grinding Ain’t My Thing By mid-afternoon on our second day in Vang Vieng, Laos, everyone was drunk and dancing up a storm at one of the bamboo bars from where a zip-line led down into the Nam Song River. Aroused by all the scantily clad girls glistening in the hot sun, I […]

Chapter 32 – Off the Hinges

Chapter 32 – Off the Hinges On our third and final day in Vang Vieng, I was shaken out of a coma by the O’Shaughnessy’s only to find permanent marker hearts drawn all over my alcoholically poisoned body – one with the words “I AM GAY” on my arm, one reading “BUTT SEX” on my […]

Chapter 33 – My Buddy’s Got a Real Shitty Reputation

Chapter 33 – My Buddy’s Got a Real Shitty Reputation Sometime around eight in the morning, one of the two middle-aged British hostel owners started pounding on the door to let us know that we were holding up the transit van to Vientiane on which we’d reserved seats. Following one too many forceful knocks, the […]

Chapter 34 – Scrappin’ With Cabbies

Chapter 34 – Scrappin’ With Cabbies Coincidentally, an Australian dude named Harry who we’d met partying by the river in Vang Vieng had been flying stand-by and managed to get on the same plane as us to Thailand. Having spent the last couple years in Bangkok making a living as a DJ, Harry offered to […]

Chapter 35 – The Road to Alcoholism

Chapter 35 – The Road to Alcoholism As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been one of those dudes that wanted no association with anything related to school. I’d spend my time in the classroom staring out the window, dreaming of adventure and would often be told by the immature yet true-to-myself voice […]

Chapter 36 – Schmit Happens When You Party in Bangkok

Chapter 36 – Schmit Happens When You Party in Bangkok After a day of exploring the capital and taking in all the King of Siam murals, paintings, and photographs I could handle, we met up with my buddy Schmit from Chicago who for the last several months had been teaching English at a university in […]

Chapter 37 – A Rude Awakening

Chapter 37 – A Rude Awakening Following the night out in Bangkok with Schmit and the O’Shaughnessy’s, every part of me felt like it’d just been steamrolled – like my body was on the verge of a total breakdown. I was shaking, sweating, throwing up and had had liquid shit blasting out my ass like […]

Chapter 38 – Ditching Din

Chapter 38 – Ditching Din Following an awkward fifteen minute tuk-tuk ride during which very little had been said, Din, Schmit and I arrived at my new girlfriend’s hotel on the other side of the island where we’d decided to get some brunch. To her credit, as she’d said, Din’s hotel was much nicer than […]

Chapter 39 – Cruisin’ For a Bruisin’

Chapter 39 – Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’ Following our rendezvous at Penzy Guesthouse on Friday evening after Din had been successfully ditched, Schmit, O’Shaughnessy and I stayed out until nine in the morning getting “Milwaukee wasted” on the island of Koh Samui. We must’ve slept until about four or five in the afternoon on Saturday […]

Chapter 40 – Sometimes Other People are My Toilet

Chapter 40 – Sometimes Other People are My Toilet “Dude,” O’Shaughnessy said, “where’d Schmit go?” “I have no fuckin’ idea. I grabbed some random chick’s ass and had to take off running ‘cuz her massive boyfriend and all his bros were after me.” “What? You grabbed some random chick’s ass?” “Yeah, but don’t judge me. […]

Chapter 41 – Behold the Power of Flatulence

Chapter 41 – Behold the Power of Flatulence After Schmit had finished telling his story about how he managed to find his way back to Koh Samui in such a drunken state, I went up to our room and grabbed my bag. I then bid my bros adieu, thanked them for showing me a good […]

Chapter 42 – Unfit for the Working World

Chapter 42 – Unfit for the Working World As I sat there on that circular couch farting my ass off, without any hair of the dog to keep my engines running, my eyelids soon got heavy and I was no longer able to stay awake. By about an hour-and-a-half  before boarding time, I was out […]

Chapter 43 – Pet Names for Neighborhood Weirdos

Chapter 43 – Pet Names for Neighborhood Weirdos Once I’d arrived at the airport and found my bag that’d been sent there four hours previous on a separate flight that I’d drunkenly slept through, I took a cab to the Mong Kok district on the Kowloon side of Hong Kong Special Administrative Region. As opposed […]

Chapter 44 – I’m Wasted and I Can’t Find My Way Home

Chapter 44 – I’m Wasted and I Can’t Find My Way Home Once I’d gotten myself away from that crazy ranting bitch who’d yelled in my face in front of that 7-Eleven, I pulled out the directions I’d printed on how to get to the hostel. It was called Dragon Hostel and was supposedly on […]

Chapter 45 – The Don Juan of Taiwan

Chapter 45 – The Don Juan of Taiwan Following the mindfuck in Hong Kong, I flew over to the capital of Taiwan to hang out for two days before ending my trip in Manila. Taipei is known for its world-famous skyscraper, the Taipei 101, which sticks out over the city’s otherwise diminutive skyline like a […]

Chapter 46 – Don’t Beat Yourself Up

Chapter 46 – Don’t Beat Yourself Up Once Wendy and her fat old wrinkly-balled Taiwanese twat-plugger for the evening had left me cold at that Metro station, it was only quarter to nine at night. Since pussy was no longer an item on the menu, I reached into my backpack, pulled out a tourist map […]

Chapter 47 – Let’s Get Some Jacks

Chapter 47 – Let’s Get Some Jacks Although a guy striking himself in the face at Shilin Night Market was exactly the sort of thing that my jealous ass had wanted to see happen at the time and I’d gotten a good laugh out of it, it didn’t make me feel happy the way I […]

Chapter 48 – Aggressive Gayness

Chapter 48 – Aggressive Gayness The day after my visit to Shilin Night Market, I didn’t do jack shit. I slept until about four in the afternoon and laid in bed until about six surfing the web, looking for a place from where I could get my hands on some greasy-ass Mexican food. The closest […]

Chapter 49 – The Night of the Stolen Parking Meter

Chapter 49 – The Night of the Stolen Parking Meter Cockfighting, or sabong as they know it, is a proud tradition in the Philippines. Following a Friday night arrival to Manila, I began the final full day of my first trip to Asia by getting up and heading over to an indoor sporting arena known […]

Chapter 50 – Killer Cocks

Chapter 50 – Killer Cocks Once I’d fully played out in my mind the fantasy of how I’d steal that Manny Pacquiao banner from the lobby of Makati Coliseum, my pasty white ass proceeded to stand there, sticking out like a sore thumb as a bunch of brown guys held, fondled and slapped around their […]

Chapter 51 – Big Mac Serves Up a Lotta Whoppers

Chapter 51 – Big Mac Serves Up a Lotta Whoppers Back when my family had moved to the Edison Park neighborhood of Chicago when I was in second grade, one of the first friends I made was my buddy Mac. Right away, I could tell that Mac had been unlike all the other kids I […]

Chapter 52 – A Propensity to Party With the Impoverished

Chapter 52 – A Propensity to Party With the Impoverished Up until our junior year, students were required to live in the dormitories at Marquette University in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. To promote the safety of all the students living in these buildings, the entryways into the dormitories had been tightly controlled. No one was allowed access […]

Chapter 53 – Beggars Banquet

Chapter 53 – Beggars Banquet Following hours of sipping on beers and reveling in the bloodshed of the real life Mortal Kombat at Makati Coliseum, I returned to my hostel for a brief afternoon nap. When I awoke, I headed over to a section of Manila Bay which runs alongside an eight-lane thoroughfare called Roxas […]

Chapter 54 – Help a Brother Out

Chapter 54 – Help a Brother Out The day after the homeless Filipino feast, I got up around ten in the morning and was still completely shitfaced from all the self-abuse I’d inflicted the evening previous. Trying my absolute best not to forget anything of value, I took inventory while jamming this, that and the […]